What Nobody Tells You About Having A Miscarriage

When Lightning Strikes Twice - Part 2 

I suppose you could call this blog post entry part two. Sunday I shared with you the events leading up to our miscarriage, but I left you hanging in the dark after that. So here goes an update. The post is graphic and it could leave some of you feeling uncomfortable. There are lots of triggers below for those who may have dealt with this before. This is your warning before you go any deeper. This post is a little "deep" and may bring up past issues.
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Sunday night I was bleeding a ton again. I passed clot after clot. I called the doctors yet again and they said I could come in, but they couldn't make any promises that they would do the surgery in the middle of the night because it was still the weekend. I didn't want to deal with all that kind of waiting around so I stuck it out at home. I ate an entire cauliflower pizza with my hubby, watched the ACM awards and spent the evening crying and stressing about what was to come tomorrow. I tried to work to stay busy, but I couldn't take my mind off of it all. They told me no food or drink after midnight but I still had no clue what time everything was going to take place the next day.

That morning I woke up to dull aching pains and more blood. I called every hospital number under the sun that I could find that morning trying to get in touch with the people who would schedule the surgery. By 8:00 am I was already hungry, impatient and in tears because I had no answers. Finally, they told me I was for sure on the schedule for the day, but they had no idea what time yet. I was on standby. Totally not a place that you want to be when you're just wanting to get something like this over with.

Around 12:30pm  I got the call to come in. At this point, I was starting to have what felt like labor pains. Cramping and aching. I was starting to really worry I was going to pass the baby on my own. As we drove to the hospital I kept telling my hubby I feel like I am in labor. Once we arrived at the hospital they got me in right away and said they were going to rush me back because they had a spot open up. I was glad about that because all I wanted was for this nightmare to be over.

In between surgery prep and starting my IV the blood clots started passing faster and faster and all of the sudden I was gushing blood everywhere. The labor pains also started to kick into high gear. I kept having the same feeling that I did when I had Grace and Carter. I felt like I just needed to push. If you have ever had a baby, you know exactly the feeling I am talking about. Our bodies are smart and when they are ready to get something out of you, there is little that can be done to stop it. After a few more blood gush episodes I decided I needed to go into the bathroom.

I wasn't quite ready for what was to come behind that closed door. Sure enough, my body was ready and I passed our baby moments before they took me back for surgery. It was the one thing I so desperately didn't want to have to deal with because I didn't think I could handle seeing it. It looked just like they do in all of the diagrams that you see in the doctor's office. Little eyes, tiny fingers, and feet. It scared me to death to pick it up, but I wrapped it in a paper towel and took it back into the room. This is the part where I started to really lose my shit.

I set it down near my husband and started to cry and emotionally come undone. He held me tight and tried to calm me down. Neither of us was up for this part. The doctor came and decided to start me on some of the drugs to knock me out and get me out of my misery. In the meantime, the nurses took the baby away and started to finish prepping me to take back for surgery.

I was a mess. I remember my husband kissing me and hugging me and me asking him to pray for me. Then they wheeled me away.

They still wanted to do the surgery even though I passed the baby because there was still lots of tissue and placenta that would need to be removed.

I am allergic to many of the different narcotics out there and we shared this with the team beforehand. They planned to use something different and would try to combat the reactions with different allergy medicines. What should have been a quick in and out surgery and recovery turned into a very long day. What they gave me caused a reaction that was slowing down my breathing and causing swelling and itching everywhere. They gave me what seemed like every drug under the sun to make the allergic reaction stop. I went back at 2:00 pm and never truly was up and with it until around 10:00 pm. I was beyond looped and exhausted and my husband was beyond worried about me.

The following days have been filled with waves of grief and comfort. Some moments I am fine and some moments I just can't stop crying. We have been surrounded by people who care. Our doorbell just kept ringing the last few days as flowers and fruit and foods have shown up. Loved ones have stepped in the watch the kids so I didn't have to and my inbox keeps overflowing with messages of support. It means a lot and it's helped a lot with the healing.

What most people don't know it how utterly emotional this is. They don't understand the hormones or the recovery part. They don't know what to say or how to act around you. What I can tell you from experience is that being there matters more than you realize. Send the flowers, make the meal, drop a card in the mail. Send them a text. Do whatever you can to let them know you care. Realize it may take them time to call you or get back to you, but your efforts are appreciated and they matter. What they really need right now is to know that they are not alone. Everyone will grieve a loss like this in a different way. What is important is that you make them understand there is no right or wrong way to do this and that you are here when they are ready.

Far too many women go thru exactly what we did this past week, but they do it in silence. Some never even got to share the joy that they were expecting. This isn't something you want to navigate thru alone. Share your story if you're going thru it or if you have been thru it. Realize that you won't ever get over it, but you will get thru it and that it doesn't get better but you do get stronger and that you are never alone.

For those dealing with a miscarriage or infant loss don't hesitate to seek support from a professional. They can help you seek light in your darkness.

Thanks to everyone who sent us things, visited, prayed, called, messaged, helped out. We love you lots and cannot thank you enough.

XOXO
Kevin & Sarah

3 years in the making - welcoming our rainbow baby

One Week To Go.... 

If you have been following our journey with infertility you may realize that the journey after three long hard years is about to end in less than a week. 

To be honest I am not sure how I feel right now. You would think I would be overjoyed and excited and just ready to meet her. While I am to an extent, I also have to be very honest and admit that I am terrified, worried and also anxious about all of the change that is about to come our way. I woke up this morning knowing that a week from today I will be induced to have her at some point on the 16th of May. I feel like I have a million things I need to do still to get ready, but I just don't feel ready.  

I keep praying that my anxiety stays down and that I calmly have an uneventful birth, but until shes in my arms I don't know that my fears will go away. I spent most of the first trimester worrying about a miscarriage. Then the second trimester worrying about how well she was growing and worried about her coming prematurely. Then I got to the third trimester and I started to have some major worry about the actual labor and delivery process. I am not sure why because my sons delivery was a breeze. I prayed a ton and that helped, but I still find the worrysome thoughts creeping in. 

I think all of this worry was my minds way of protecting me from the hurt and what we had been thru over the last three years. It's like I don't want to allow myself to get too excited until I know she really is here and safe. I would like to think this is normal when you walked the dark road of infertility, but who knows maybe it's not. 

So for the next week you will find me waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I am praying big and hoping that all goes according to HIS plans that are waiting for our family and this sweet little girl. We have such a special life planned for her with lots of love waiting for her. 

I have envisioned the moment when they hand her to us over and over in my head and every time I envision it I cry. The hard ugly kind of cry.

I have no doubt that it will be one of best moments of our marriage and my life as long as all goes well. I hope that the labor and delivery nurses who are there with us have a tissue because I anticipate it will be an emotional moment for everyone in the room. 

There was a bible verse that I held near to my heart during our dark days. Romans 8:18 says that "the pain you have been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I believed deep down it was true. That all of our hurt and pain was going to turn into something beautiful someday and sure enough it did. 

I will be reminding myself over and over of this verse during labor as I endure a few hard hours before meeting our precious rainbow after the storm. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks for coming along for the ride these past few years. We hope our story gave you hope for your own. God Bless you all. Can't wait to share her with you. 

Getting Thru Your Due Date

When Your Due Date Comes For The Baby You Lost

December 1st has been written on my calendar for months now. Nine to be exact. It was the due date for our baby that we lost this spring. I would be lying if I didn't say that I have been dreading it. I feel like once the date passes by the chapter will finally be closed.

I should preface this by saying that I am so so so grateful that I have another baby on the way now.  I can only imagine the hurt that those who also go thru this experience feel when another isn't on the way. We are the lucky ones. The ones who will be getting a baby soon as long as all goes well. While today still hurts us, it's not as sad as it could be and for that I am grateful. The pain that they must be feeling when this date passes by for them must be even more upsetting. Is today still a hard day for me? Absolutely but today is also part of the healing process.

This post is not a pity post. I don't need you to feel bad for us. I needed to write this for myself as part of moving forward and also to share with others what I did to get thru it all incase they are sitting in the same boat that we were.

In late February of 2016 I'd like to think a miracle happened. Finally after two and a half years of trying for a baby, I was able to get pregnant. We learned we were expecting in early March. A few weeks into the pregnancy we also learned that things didn't look well. The heartbeat was slower than it should be and the baby just wasn't growing enough. They also noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. This meant a lot of visits to the doctor for us in the coming weeks. It meant lots of ultrasounds, lots of praying and sadly lots of not so great news.

As we neared the end of the pregnancy the heartbeat began to get slower and slower. I remember coming in for the ultrasound on a Friday morning and it barely being there anymore. Since it was obviously still "alive" we had to wait it out. The next week felt like the longest week of my life. We knew what the outcome was going to be, it was just a matter of when. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but I knew in my heart that the baby wasn't going to make it. My husband and I went in that Thursday morning and sure enough the heartbeat finally had stopped. They put us in a "private room" while we waited for the doctor. I had a hard time keeping it together knowing I had a dead baby inside of me while all the other women were there because they had babies on the way. An OB office is the last place you want to be when facing this news.

About 30 minutes later we waited for the doctor to share our options with us. I was given advice from friends and family who had went thru it to opt for the D&E to just get it over with. I had went thru enough trauma in the last few weeks I didn't want to have to see it or pass it on my own. The OR schedule for Friday was already full so I had to wait until Monday morning. Talk about torture. We were instructed that if it started to happen on it's own to go ahead and come to the ER. That weekend was the only weekend in my life I had ever taken anything for anxiety but I decided I needed it.

Monday morning came. We dropped our son off at daycare and headed to the hospital. We spoke not much of a word to each other the whole way there. We rode hand in hand both sad for our little family. I was admitted and prepped for surgery around 9 am. I remember lying there just crying. I wanted the nightmare to end. The day was a blur. It took me awhile to come out of recovery. We didn't get home that day until 4:30pm or so. It will forever be one of the worst days of our marriage. We faced it together but it rocked us. It was a kind of sad that can't be explained.

The coming weeks were a whirlwind of emotions. I had taken most all of that week off of work and never left my bed. I was emotionally spent and sad. I stayed off social media, I ignored phone calls, visits and messages. I shut the world out and I don't regret that. I had to mourn the loss alone.

As the weeks passed by I started to "come to terms" with the fact that we were not having another baby. I struggled as friends around me shared the news of their own pregnancy. I watched as their bellies began to expand while mine didn't and now nine months later, I am now watching many of them welcome babies into the world.

I would never say that I am "grateful" to have lost a baby. But I will say that I am grateful for the journey that this loss took me on. I couldn't have said that then, but today nine months later I can. I am forever changed because of this. That journey brought me closer to God. It tested my faith, it showed me that marriage has hard days and that life will sometimes give you lemons. It helped me to be even more grateful for our son and the family that we did have.

There were days of crying in the shower and crying myself to sleep. There were workouts that were more like therapy sessions and there were books I read and podcast that I needed. I clung to Joel Osteen messages for hope and I spent time being a little broken. There was healing in all of it. Today I am able to share my story and it doesn't make me cry like it used it.

There is no answer of how long it will take you to feel better if you're the one going thru this. Maybe you will heal quickly, maybe it will take months and maybe even years. It will happen at different times for all of us. Sometimes it takes going thru something really hard to appreciate the joy in new beginnings. While this pregnancy I am going thru has been a wonderful unexpected blessing, it's also bittersweet. I look at it thru new eyes. It makes me appreciate each day even more than I would have had I not lost a child.

There will be a blessing in your own storm if you're the one going thru it. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you to keep your faith, keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. If your friend or family member is going thru this, send them a card, make them a dinner, bring wine. Whatever you feel like doing, just show up because they need you more than they will ever let on.

Today I am planning to purchase a lemon tree for inside our home because I have no idea what your supposed to do on your "due date" other than be sad. It's going to be my way of not just remembering the baby, but also remembering the journey we have been on while learning a hard life lesson. We took one of our most sour lemons that life handed to us and made something that resembled lemonade.We grew stronger in our marriage and my roots grew deeper in my faith. I wish I could say this is our only lemon we will be handed in life. I know it won't be and I probably won't be ready for it when it happens, but I will approach it with grace just like we did when life handed us this lemon.

Thanks for supporting us on this journey. Keep the prayers coming for our rainbow baby. We appreciate them more than you know. I know God is using me to be a light for others going thru this. My hope is that I give you hope for your own family.

xoxo

Sarah

After every storm comes a rainbow...

For This Child We Prayed... 

I cannot tell you how many years I have been dreaming about the day that we would get to share that our son would no longer be an only child. If I am being honest with you I will say that we finally decided to put that dream aside and move on from all the pain we experienced. 2 1/2 years of infertility and a miscarriage this past spring left us feeling hopeless, sad and ready to move on with our life.

Then God showed us he had a different plan.  We have since learned that we were getting another chance at this and that maybe, just maybe our rainbow baby is coming after all.

If you're not familiar with what a rainbow baby is, it's what they call a baby born after a miscarriage. Because after every storm comes a rainbow of hope and that's just what this baby is for us. It's hope.

While we contemplated not sharing the news with everyone until a few months from now, we have decided it was time to share the hope and excitement with others instead of hiding it.

It's been a long two months not telling any of our family or friends. If you follow me on social media you know that I share ALL of my life, so not sharing this part of our journey felt like I wasn't being me.

We have had two appointments so far and at both appointments everything looked great. Strong heart beat, perfect size and great growth. All very different than the last pregnancy we experienced. It's not to say we are out of the woods. I realize many people wait until after the first trimester to share, but we have decided that we need the prayers and that we are going to celebrate the gift of life we have been given for as long as we are able to enjoy it.

Pregnancy is a journey and a scary one at that. I wish I could go back to being as clueless as I was during my first one. I had no fears. After our first ultrasound we told everyone, started picking names, planning the nursery and picking out clothes. In our minds we were getting a healthy baby in a few months and that's exactly what happened. Now that I am older and wiser I realize that next few months will be scary, but I also realize that motherhood and life is also very scary. I have made a choice to put my fears aside and believe that God has a plan for our family, and maybe just maybe this blessing that's growing inside of me will get to be a part of our plan.

I want to wrap this up with two things that I think are pretty special.

The first is that they say when a loved one passes away God often gives you another one in return. This past August my grandmother passed away. She was what I would like to call the queen of fertility. She had nine children and was literally a saint. I became pregnant shortly after she passed. I would like to think that she's looking out for me up there. I told my husband shes my guardian angel for this pregnancy. It brings me comfort thinking of her this way.

Lastly I talked about how this baby is called a rainbow baby. I want to share something pretty amazing. EVERY SINGLE DAY since the day I found out I was expecting this baby I see a rainbow. Sometimes a real one in the sky, sometimes in a store or on TV or even on an art project in my son's school. It's amazing but it's my daily reminder to take a deep breath and just enjoy this pregnancy and have hope that is will work out. I find so much joy each day when I see those rainbows.

So that's what we are doing. Taking this pregnancy day by day hoping and praying we make it to May. Thanks for all the support you have given us on our journey thru these hard years. Let's hope this year has lots of happiness in store for us.

ALL OUR LOVE

Kevin, Sarah, Carter and BABY GRIFFITH

"I will not cause pain without something new to be born says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

Starting Over...

Your Struggles Today Are Your Strengths Tomorrow 

There really are no words to describe all that I have been thru in the last few weeks. Our emotions have traveled a heck of a roller coaster. We were on a high because after three years, we were some how able to get pregnant. Then a few short weeks later we learned that things were not looking great and we spent a few weeks being terribly worried. Only to later to learn that the baby was not going to make it. This past week I had my surgery to remove what remained of the pregnancy. To say it was hard, it a bit of an understatement. 

Heading into surgery on Monday. 

I will be quite honest. When we learned I was pregnant, I was so afraid to mess anything up so I basically quit exercising. The doctors told me light exercise would be fine since I had already been active but I decided it was not worth the risk so I just stopped almost all together. Some would think oh no big deal who cares. Heres the thing though, for the last three years exercise was a part of my daily life. It was a part of me. The exercise was my stress relief. The workouts were not for weight loss they were for health and quite honestly it helped to keep my spirits up during hard times. I grew to really enjoy it and when I stopped I felt like a piece of me went missing.

All I was hanging on to was clean eating and truthfully that started to slip the more stressful things became as I learned something might be wrong with the pregnancy. I found myself slipping back to my old ways and getting lazy about what I was fueling my body with. The more junk I started to eat the more lousy I began to feel.  

I hit what I would call a bit of a rock bottom this week. Emotionally I have been a terribly sad and completely not myself. I spent much of the week recovering from the surgery I had on Monday. I went back to work on Thursday and Friday but have mostly been staying off social media and away from everyone. It seems the only person I feel like talking with is my husband and a very small handful of people. I realize it's not a great place to be but it's how I am getting thru and where I am right now. I also realize I need to get back to ME. While that may take time, I need to start somewhere and for me the only place I know can start with is my health. 

It's what feels familiar, its my old sense of normal and it's what I can control. So that is my plan. Controlling the controllable and handling the rest day by day.

The game plan is to start Saturday April 30th with the original program that I started with three short years ago when I started my journey as a challenger turned coach. I will spend the next 21 days doing the original 21 day fix. I will be drinking my Shakeology daily and using the portion control containers with my meal plan and working out 30 minutes a day each day. I am certain there will be days when I just don't feel like it, but I am making no excuses. I want to feel better about myself again and this is where I can start. Since March I have gained 9 lbs all of which I am almost certain I can drop in those 21 days. If I don't, that's okay too. This isn't about weight loss it's about getting back to my old self. 

I am asking for some support and extra cheering on in these coming weeks. I'm ready to turn my struggles into tomorrows strength. Your welcome to join me instead of just watching if you would like! Glad to have you along for the ride!

Fill out my online form.

Online contact and registration forms from Wufoo.

Infertility Awareness Week

Struggling with Infertility? You Are Not Alone My Dear

April 24 - April 30th is infertility awareness week. I am not usually one to jump on all of the different "awareness" weeks, but this one hits home for my family and I so I thought I would shed light on the issue and talk about what our journey with this has looked like over the last three years.

I wish I could go back and sit down with the newly pregnant version of my younger self and tell her to enjoy it. Every single minute of it because doing this again will never be promised. I was so naive when I had my son. We wanted to start trying for a little one in June (I was a teacher so the summer was the right time.) I ended up getting pregnant in May. No planning, no worrying, no fertility drugs just a blessing in Gods timing. I sailed thru 10 months of pregnancy like a breeze. I made it look easy. No stretch marks, no issues with the baby, hardly any morning sickness, and a labor that lasted... wait for it... 2 hours. Yep I got lucky all around.

When he arrived we felt a love that we never knew existed. Motherhood changed me; but absolutely for the better. As he grew we shared many conversations about "when the next one comes" and his someday brother or sister. We never had any doubts that we would have a few more children. Shortly after his first birthday we started to try for another one.

Months turned into years and we started to question why it wasn't happening. After one year of trying with no luck the doctors were willing to move forward with testing to be certain the two of us had no fertility issues that we were now dealing with. They always began the conversations with "the good news is you have been pregnant before." It used to annoy the daylights out of me. Yes I realize we were able to get pregnant but we can't now. That's why we are here so help us figure this out.

We went thru a battery of expensive tests to figure out if anything was wrong with is. Your husband has to be a good sport if your going to travel this road, because they analyze his fertility too. None of these tests are fun and often times, none of them are comforting because many come back showing nothing is wrong with you or him. It leaves you scratching your head and having to go thru more tests to rule other things out. It often will begin with many different blood tests for both of you. That is actually how I learned about my thyroid condition. It is one of the first things they check for actually because your thyroid controls your entire endocrine system which plays a huge role in your fertility. If your thyroid is off, your wasting your time trying to get pregnant. You need that regulated first. Any level between 0 - 4.0 is considered normal but for fertility reasons they like it to be between .5 and 1.0. Mine started out in the high 13's. Which for us was clearly one of our big issues were were up against. It took from November to January to get those levels down to where they needed to be. The medication helped a lot.

Once we got the thyroid issues taken care of, we moved forward with seeing a fertility specialist. I shopped around a few times before settling with Magee Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh. You have to like who you are working with. If you feel like just another number when you are there, keep looking. There are plenty of compassionate doctors out there who are great to work with. Sadly, there are also others who will treat you like just another number.

After lots of blood work, they often will do a test to be certain your tubes are not blocked. This is called a hysterosalpingogram. Good luck trying to pronounce that one. ;) You are awake for the test. It is often done at the hospital. They put a catheter up thru your cervix then push dye thru it and watch it with x ray monitoring. They are looking for the fluids to "spill out" thru your tubes. This tells them if there is a blockage and where. That test hurt a bit. Lots of cramping and burning during it. They will let your spouse in the room while they do it. At least they did let mine in. It was nice to have him there because that test made me nervous. They also tell you that often times after that test your fertility goes up a bit because things have been "cleaned out."

You can't move forward with any fertility treatments until you do that test because if your tubes are blocked your wasting your time trying. So be prepared to cross this test off pretty quickly. We did this in January of last year. They suggested waiting three months to see if things happened on their own because of things being cleared out.

Three months passed by very slowly with no luck so we moved forward with our next try. Clomid. It's an oral pill you take that will stimulate your follicles to make certain you are producing an egg or quite often many eggs. You take this at the beginning of your cycle then are monitored thru ultrasound to see where the egg follicles are in regards to ovulation. Once they give you the green light to try, you do that then wait to see what happens. I should warn you though, Clomid comes with a boat load of pardon my french, but shitty side effects. It made me a monster. Headaches, sweating, emotional, cranky and flat out mean while I took it. My husband dreaded Clomid time in our house and quite honestly so did I. It also increases your chances of having multiples and not just two babies but sometimes several. We were nervous about that part but knew we wanted to grow our family and if it meant a few more than we planned for than so be it, we just wanted more children however we had to go about doing it.

After three months of taking clomid and not having it work each time, it got us pretty down. I went thru a hard time emotionally trying to accept that fact that we STILL had no luck. It also made us start to rethink all of this and start to look at parenting thru new eyes. We began to realize that we may only ever have one. We spent the summer and fall just taking in our sweet little one. Everything became different. We stopped saying things like when we have another one or when we do this next time around. Those conversations came to a bit of a halt and we started to just live in the moment with our son. Which we should have been doing all along.

While we were okay with the break we had taken from the fertility options, we knew if we wanted to have another one our next step was IUI or Intrauterine Insemination. It starts with blood testing during your period, then you take a drug similar to clomid (some do clomid.) I was supposed to do femera instead for a few days at the beginning of your cycle. Then you go for ultrasound testing. Once they give you the go ahead you take a trigger shot (in the butt) called ovidrel. This causes the egg to drop then you have a very short window to get your butt to the hospital where they are caring for you. Then they take your husbands sperm and "spin it or wash it" this takes a few hours and its so that they can ensure the have the best ones to use. Shortly after using a catheter, they inject the sperm into your uterus and you wait and hope that it works. At best you have between a 10 - 20% chance of it working each cycle. Depending on where you go it can cost you between $1,000.00 - $4,000.00 each round. They tell you up front you will most likely need to try three to four rounds. Many do not have success on the first round.

We explored it actually before we tried clomid but didn't want to take this aggressive step until we ruled out the easier methods first. As you know most often these types of treatments are not covered by your insurance company so it leaves you footing the bill for these procedures that often have very small guarantees of success rates. Not only do they have your heart and emotions tied up in all of this, but also your wallet. We finally decided to go forward with IUI this past January. We didn't want to question for the rest of our lives if we should have tried. We needed to rule it out so we could begin to move forward. It was ironic, the day I went to Magee for my ultra sounds and blood work I was supposed to start the drug that night but it all came to a halt. I had an endocrinologist appointment that same day. She put the brakes on me going forward because she did not think my body was up for the challenge just yet. My blood work was telling her something other than my thyroid was wrong. Thyroid was fine, it was either my cortisol levels or insulin that was wrong. She said not to lose faith, we could figure it out but she needed time and we needed to do more tests. It was a huge let down but we knew it was for the best. We were glad that we did not invest our emotions and our money in the IUI  that day. Shortly after we learned from doing the 6 hour insulin resistance test, that I was struggling with some major blood sugar issues that we needed to fix.

The morning of my insulin resistance testing. He was by my side thru all of these tests we have encountered. It's absolutely been our journey not just mine. He's amazing. 

That was our sign to stop. My husband and I were sick of the let downs, the sadness and the emptiness that goes along with infertility. We both knew what the other was thinking. Enough is enough. We were done. We knew there were lots of other and even more expensive options we could try but we had enough. We had to stop living in this place of uncertainty of will we have another or not? We both agreed we would be okay with the cards we were dealt and we would pick up and move forward as a family of three blessed as can be. No more wishing for more. Just living in the moment loving and appreciating the one that we do have. We even made a plan that we would give all of our sons childhood belongings to a mother in need this coming winter when our son turns five. We were okay with our plan and we were finally at ease with our decision.

Then a month later, we found out we were expecting. All on our own. No fertility drugs, no help,  just a special blessing from God. Sadly the blessing only stayed with us for six weeks and tomorrow I will be having surgery to remove the babies remains. It was a hard pill to swallow after having such a hard few years with infertility. To have been given this blessing and have it taken away so quickly rocked us and tested our faith.

Like all of the other disappointments we have experienced with infertility we will move forward and with time we will be okay. For now, we are not, but with time we know that we will. God has a plan that is bigger than ours. Somedays it's just hard to understand the plan.

To make a long story short. My advice to anyone going thru this awful storm is to keep the faith. Lean on your husband or partner and go thru this together. Let them know how hard it is for you and listen while they share their feelings with you too. It is just as sad for them as it is for you. Make it your journey together. This has made our marriage stronger but for some it can cause marriages to fall apart. Don't let that happen to you and yours. Know that it's absolutely okay to be sad, mad and even question your faith some days. Realize that it's going to hurt when your friends all around you are getting pregnant. Stay out of the baby section in department stores and Target and know that it's okay to skip out on baby showers and visiting new babies if your not ready. I had my share of skips. I was not in a place where I could go. With time, I am sure I will be able to, but that time is not right now and thats OKAY! Know that there are people you can talk with who are professionals if the sadness is too much for you and lastly I encourage you to SHARE your story. Share it with your friends and your family and own it. Do not be embarrassed that you are struggling with infertility. You are not alone. There are SO many women out there who are going thru the same thing or who have went thru it and went on to have successful pregnancies. Use those people as hope for you. Keep praying about it and keep your chin up. God's plan is playing out. Your time will come and if it never does, know that there are children out there who need someone to love them. While I realize giving birth to your own child is something that many long for, it is not always in the cards. If it isn't and you truly from the bottom of your heart want one, be brave enough to take the steps to move forward with a different approach. If you want to be a mother you can be. You just have to have patience my dear.

God bless you all! I pray your walk with infertility is a short one with sun at the end of your rainstorm. Please share this post with your friends or family who could benefit. Let me know if I can pray for you! I would be glad to!
Love,
Sarah

Six Special Weeks....

For the last six weeks, my husband and I have been enjoying keeping a very big secret just between the two of us. In early March we discovered after three years of dealing with the dark road of infertility, we were somehow suddenly expecting. We were in shock, beyond excited and somewhat nervous. It seemed way to unreal after so many months of nothing happening. The cool part was that it happened on it's on. No fertility treatments. Just a special blessing from God.

We decided to keep our special news between us for a few reasons. The first is that we didn't want to get everyone in our family excited and then have to go thru the loss in the event that things didn't work out. The second reason is because my life as a coach requires me to live my life out loud on social media. We share it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. We do it in hope of encouraging others, but some days it is hard to share it all. It felt really fun to have a secret that was "just ours" these last few weeks.

Our first appointment got us hopeful of what was to come. It also brought back really special memories of our initial appointments we had when we were expecting our son Carter. The ultrasound showed the pregnancy was in the beginning phases of development. It seemed like such a miracle. We left with a picture that was the beginning of what was going to soon take another place in our heart.

They wanted us to come back two weeks later to get a better idea of the dates and how big the baby was. This past Monday I went for an ultrasound and saw something that brought tears to my eyes and caused them to stream down my cheeks. Not only did I get to see our tiny baby, but I also saw the beautiful sight of a heart beat. I saw life inside of me. I saw a miracle and I saw hope.

That afternoon I got a phone call that they were worried about a few things. The heartbeat seemed slow. It was 92 bpm. They like to see it between 100 - 110 bpm. The baby also seemed a little small to them for as long as I have been pregnant. Lastly, they shared that there was a small blood clot in my uterus. All things that made them apprehensive but for now, nothing to worry about yet. They wanted me to come back Friday for another appointment and ultrasound so we could see what we were dealing with. I was told to lay low for the week until we got things "figured out."

That phone call hurt. It put worry in my mind that I never wanted to have to experience. It made me fearful but faithful. My husband kept reassuring me everything was going to be okay. Until someone told us we had something to worry about, we needed to stop worrying. Easier said than done I suppose. It has been one of the longest weeks of my life waiting on Friday.

Finally Friday came. I walked into the doctors nervous but ready to get this show on the road. I was hoping and praying I would get to see a heartbeat into the hundreds and a baby measuring much bigger than it had looked earlier in the week.

The ultrasound tech's face said it all before she had to say anything. I saw a look of disappointment across her face. Then she had to look at me and tell me that the heartbeat is barely there and that the baby was measuring smaller than it did on Monday. She could not get an accurate measurement of how many beats per minute but it certainly was no where near 92. In fact, she couldn't confirm it even still had one. It could in fact just be my pulse.

I tried to be strong and not get emotional. I didn't want to be a mess in the office or walking out of there. The last thing I wanted in that moment was sympathy, I just wanted to be left alone and by chance I was actually was alone. We had a busy week with Carter being sick and Kevin already missed two days of work to be home with him. Because of that, he wasn't able to be there with me. It's funny how well you can keep your composure when you have to. After changing, I choked back enough tears to get me out of there before breaking down into some big sobbing in my car on the way home. What I had been fearing all week had suddenly become a reality. I was so sad and quite honestly so mad that after three years of disappointment with our infertility struggles, we would have to face a loss. It really felt unfair.

Now we have to continue to play the waiting game. We will wait until there is no longer a detectable heartbeat anymore, then I will have a surgery shortly after to remove what remains of the pregnancy. Once this happens, I will become a member of a club that I have never ever wanted to be a part of. A club that has experienced a miscarriage. That stats are that 1 in 4 women will have one. During our fertility appointments we were told that each month most couples have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Our chances however were only around a 3% because of how long we had been trying and the health conditions that I have. That 3% sure seemed like getting pregnant would be impossible for us but somehow we beat those odds. Sadly, I doesn't look like we will beat the 1 in 4 odds of experiencing a miscarriage.

Right now all of this stings, it hurts and it's been hard to go thru alone. Because of our choice to not share the news with anyone, it also meant we have had to deal with the worry and now sadness of this alone. We decided we now need the prayers more than the privacy, so please if you would keep us in your prayers it would mean a lot to us. Pray that it happens quickly, the surgery goes well and that with time we heal.

The sadness of all of this makes us cling tight to the sweet little boy we have been blessed with. We are still feeling very sad that he still won't have a little brother or sister like he keeps asking for. But we are still in awe of the miracle that we do have. Makes you appreciate the beauty of life so much more.

Thanks for keeping our family in your hearts! We appreciate it as we begin to navigate the dark days ahead of us while we deal with some of the grief. Until them we will cling to this verse "the pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18

XOXO,
The Griffith's