Naming Our Rainbow Baby

How Gracie Got Her Name... 

You may or may not know this but we had been struggling with infertility for the last 2 1/2 years. We experienced a miscarriage this past spring and it really was hard to go thru. We finally decided to move forward and be okay with only having one child after going thru it all. Then this summer shortly after my grandmas passed away we learned that we were in fact expecting. It felt like a miracle and I almost felt like I had a special guardian angel watching over me. I convinced myself that if  grandma could have nine successful pregnancies, maybe just maybe she would have a hand in helping ours along the way.

Shortly after we found out that I was pregnant I started to see a rainbows each day. They call a baby born after a miscarriage a "rainbow baby" so I found it ironic that I was seeing them so often. At first I thought it was a coincidence but then it became a daily thing and to this day five and half months in I see at least one a day. I would like to think it's my grandma's gentle way of reminding me that everything is going to be okay. It reminds me of this special crystal that she had in her dining room that would hang from the window and shine rainbow rays of light. I still remember seeing it every time I visited her house as a child. 

My instincts started to tell me that maybe just maybe it would be a girl. I decided from the start that if it was a girl I wanted to use Ann as her middle name since that was my grandma's name. Then it came time to start picking possible boy and girl names. My husband had Grace (Gracie) on his list. It was never one of my first picks, but it started to grow on me.  Then things started to happen that made me reconsider. The name started to appear everywhere. The homily at church based on the topic of grace. I would see the name just randomly in places and I started to be drawn to it but I wasn't sold on Grace Ann. That's when I decided I would do Grace Elizabeth possibly. I knew she loved saying "Sarah Elizabeth" when she greeted me each time I saw her. I knew she loved it also because she used it as my aunt's name. Then a few days later when we were doing our family advent reading, the topic for the day was on the importance of a name and what names meant. This passage stopped me dead in my tracks. It talked about how the name Ann means grace or Gods favor. It lead me to do some research and I realized that Ann is Hebrew and it means God has favored me. The name refers to Grace. In that moment I realized that name was perfect. Even better than just using Ann for the middle name. 

The signs just kept coming. Earlier this week one of the local churches passed out flyers and put them on all the doors in the neighborhood inviting us to their Christmas service. The church name. Yep you guessed it Grace Hills Church. The encounters got to the point that I was seeing it SEVERAL times a day in unexpected places. 

The last encounter was almost eerie. It happened the day of our ultrasound as I was checking out at Macys. The lady asked if we knew what we were having and I explained that we actually had that ultrasound that morning. We had the ultrasound tech put the gender reveal in a box with confetti and that we would be opening it on Christmas morning. I told her how excited we were because we had waited so long and had such a difficult time getting pregnant. She informed me her daughter struggled too for eight years. She then smiled and said that's why we named her Grace. She wished me luck and said Merry Christmas. It took my breath away. I could barely even respond to her. 

Some might think that all of these encounters with rainbows and grace are just coincidences but I would like to think otherwise. I would like to say they are messages from a very special guardian angel. As much as I miss my grandma, I think she's closer to me then I realize. 

It came to no surprise to me on Christmas morning that the gender reveal box  in fact did had lots of pink confetti inside. So Grace Elizabeth Griffith it is. She will make her arrival on May 22nd. While the name was never one we considered in the past I think we would be crazy not to. 

If your willing to get quiet and listen God often speaks pretty darn clear to you. 

Getting Thru Your Due Date

When Your Due Date Comes For The Baby You Lost

December 1st has been written on my calendar for months now. Nine to be exact. It was the due date for our baby that we lost this spring. I would be lying if I didn't say that I have been dreading it. I feel like once the date passes by the chapter will finally be closed.

I should preface this by saying that I am so so so grateful that I have another baby on the way now.  I can only imagine the hurt that those who also go thru this experience feel when another isn't on the way. We are the lucky ones. The ones who will be getting a baby soon as long as all goes well. While today still hurts us, it's not as sad as it could be and for that I am grateful. The pain that they must be feeling when this date passes by for them must be even more upsetting. Is today still a hard day for me? Absolutely but today is also part of the healing process.

This post is not a pity post. I don't need you to feel bad for us. I needed to write this for myself as part of moving forward and also to share with others what I did to get thru it all incase they are sitting in the same boat that we were.

In late February of 2016 I'd like to think a miracle happened. Finally after two and a half years of trying for a baby, I was able to get pregnant. We learned we were expecting in early March. A few weeks into the pregnancy we also learned that things didn't look well. The heartbeat was slower than it should be and the baby just wasn't growing enough. They also noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. This meant a lot of visits to the doctor for us in the coming weeks. It meant lots of ultrasounds, lots of praying and sadly lots of not so great news.

As we neared the end of the pregnancy the heartbeat began to get slower and slower. I remember coming in for the ultrasound on a Friday morning and it barely being there anymore. Since it was obviously still "alive" we had to wait it out. The next week felt like the longest week of my life. We knew what the outcome was going to be, it was just a matter of when. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but I knew in my heart that the baby wasn't going to make it. My husband and I went in that Thursday morning and sure enough the heartbeat finally had stopped. They put us in a "private room" while we waited for the doctor. I had a hard time keeping it together knowing I had a dead baby inside of me while all the other women were there because they had babies on the way. An OB office is the last place you want to be when facing this news.

About 30 minutes later we waited for the doctor to share our options with us. I was given advice from friends and family who had went thru it to opt for the D&E to just get it over with. I had went thru enough trauma in the last few weeks I didn't want to have to see it or pass it on my own. The OR schedule for Friday was already full so I had to wait until Monday morning. Talk about torture. We were instructed that if it started to happen on it's own to go ahead and come to the ER. That weekend was the only weekend in my life I had ever taken anything for anxiety but I decided I needed it.

Monday morning came. We dropped our son off at daycare and headed to the hospital. We spoke not much of a word to each other the whole way there. We rode hand in hand both sad for our little family. I was admitted and prepped for surgery around 9 am. I remember lying there just crying. I wanted the nightmare to end. The day was a blur. It took me awhile to come out of recovery. We didn't get home that day until 4:30pm or so. It will forever be one of the worst days of our marriage. We faced it together but it rocked us. It was a kind of sad that can't be explained.

The coming weeks were a whirlwind of emotions. I had taken most all of that week off of work and never left my bed. I was emotionally spent and sad. I stayed off social media, I ignored phone calls, visits and messages. I shut the world out and I don't regret that. I had to mourn the loss alone.

As the weeks passed by I started to "come to terms" with the fact that we were not having another baby. I struggled as friends around me shared the news of their own pregnancy. I watched as their bellies began to expand while mine didn't and now nine months later, I am now watching many of them welcome babies into the world.

I would never say that I am "grateful" to have lost a baby. But I will say that I am grateful for the journey that this loss took me on. I couldn't have said that then, but today nine months later I can. I am forever changed because of this. That journey brought me closer to God. It tested my faith, it showed me that marriage has hard days and that life will sometimes give you lemons. It helped me to be even more grateful for our son and the family that we did have.

There were days of crying in the shower and crying myself to sleep. There were workouts that were more like therapy sessions and there were books I read and podcast that I needed. I clung to Joel Osteen messages for hope and I spent time being a little broken. There was healing in all of it. Today I am able to share my story and it doesn't make me cry like it used it.

There is no answer of how long it will take you to feel better if you're the one going thru this. Maybe you will heal quickly, maybe it will take months and maybe even years. It will happen at different times for all of us. Sometimes it takes going thru something really hard to appreciate the joy in new beginnings. While this pregnancy I am going thru has been a wonderful unexpected blessing, it's also bittersweet. I look at it thru new eyes. It makes me appreciate each day even more than I would have had I not lost a child.

There will be a blessing in your own storm if you're the one going thru it. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you to keep your faith, keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. If your friend or family member is going thru this, send them a card, make them a dinner, bring wine. Whatever you feel like doing, just show up because they need you more than they will ever let on.

Today I am planning to purchase a lemon tree for inside our home because I have no idea what your supposed to do on your "due date" other than be sad. It's going to be my way of not just remembering the baby, but also remembering the journey we have been on while learning a hard life lesson. We took one of our most sour lemons that life handed to us and made something that resembled lemonade.We grew stronger in our marriage and my roots grew deeper in my faith. I wish I could say this is our only lemon we will be handed in life. I know it won't be and I probably won't be ready for it when it happens, but I will approach it with grace just like we did when life handed us this lemon.

Thanks for supporting us on this journey. Keep the prayers coming for our rainbow baby. We appreciate them more than you know. I know God is using me to be a light for others going thru this. My hope is that I give you hope for your own family.

xoxo

Sarah

Joy in the journey

Finding Faith In The Little Things

If you read my previous post I had made when I announced my pregnancy, you would remember reading my "rainbow" story. If not I will quickly share with you what I mean.

Since finding out we were expecting our "rainbow baby" I have been seeing a rainbow every single day, sometimes several times a day. Incase you're new to the term "rainbow baby" it's a baby that you have after experiencing a miscarriage. They call it a rainbow because after every storm comes a rainbow of hope.

Today I wanted to share with you an update. Some have asked are you still seeing the rainbows three months into this pregnancy? My answer is YES. Actually even more often now than I was in the beginning. Sometimes they are real rainbows up in the sky and sometimes they are silly things like a Halloween costume skirt or a piece of art in my sons school. It often comes when I am least expecting it each day.

I cannot tell you how much joy these little appearances bring me. It's my gentle reminder from the universe that all is well with my little one and to have faith that this is going to turn out okay.

At first I thought all of this was just a crazy coincidence but now three months in, I am starting to believe that these rainbows are being sent to me intentionally.

My husband thought I was crazy at first but now he believes I am seeing them for a reason too.

This is my first encounter with "signs" from God or the universe or whatever you want to call it but I am hooked. I love it and truly see each rainbow as a gift. It makes me curious how many other people see "signs" in their own lives as reminders to stay in faith.

I would like to think that my grandma has something to do with all of this. She passed away this August and I would have become pregnant shortly after her passing. She had 9 children and was what I would like to call the queen of fertility. I swear shes been assigned to watch over me and this pregnancy. Here's the cool part. Growing up my grandma had these beautiful crystals that hung in her dining room window. Every time the sun would shine you would see beautiful rays of rainbow light. It was a fun memory from my childhood. These rainbows make me think of her each day and it makes me feel closer to her.

While I don't photograph all of them I did want to share a few with you all to show you how cool it really is.

This announcement has been YEARS in the making. It's absolutely an answer to all of our prayers. 

This was my first encounter with the rainbows. Each of these long streaks is a rainbow. It's hard to see it from far away. They were in the foyer of my home. My son was the first to find it. He called me and was yelling to COME SEE ALL OF THESE RAINBOWS. It was a week after I found out I was expecting. Nobody knew yet except my huband and all I had been thinking about was how happy we were about our rainbow baby. It brought me to tears. I could have sat and looked at it for hours. Since that night I have continued to see these rainbows each day. It was a much needed sign for me.

A close up of what the streaks looked like in our foyer. Bright, brilliant and beautiful just like this miracle we are experiencing.

This one showed up in my kitchen on a day I was feeling uncertian and worried about the baby. I am sure it was shining this bright because someone knew I needed a strong reminder that day. I was in awe of the beauty of this one. 

This one appeared over our house the morning after announcing our pregnancy.

This showed up on my computer screen one day when I sat down to work for the day. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I kept looking around for the light in the room from where it might be coming from. I still never figured it out instead I took it as a sign that all is well today.

There are many more that I could share with you. It gives me hope and faith and helps to ease my mind each day. I can only hope that they will continue until my little one arrives in May. I hope you enjoyed reading this and sharing in the JOY along with me.