What Nobody Tells You About Having A Miscarriage

When Lightning Strikes Twice - Part 2 

I suppose you could call this blog post entry part two. Sunday I shared with you the events leading up to our miscarriage, but I left you hanging in the dark after that. So here goes an update. The post is graphic and it could leave some of you feeling uncomfortable. There are lots of triggers below for those who may have dealt with this before. This is your warning before you go any deeper. This post is a little "deep" and may bring up past issues.
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Sunday night I was bleeding a ton again. I passed clot after clot. I called the doctors yet again and they said I could come in, but they couldn't make any promises that they would do the surgery in the middle of the night because it was still the weekend. I didn't want to deal with all that kind of waiting around so I stuck it out at home. I ate an entire cauliflower pizza with my hubby, watched the ACM awards and spent the evening crying and stressing about what was to come tomorrow. I tried to work to stay busy, but I couldn't take my mind off of it all. They told me no food or drink after midnight but I still had no clue what time everything was going to take place the next day.

That morning I woke up to dull aching pains and more blood. I called every hospital number under the sun that I could find that morning trying to get in touch with the people who would schedule the surgery. By 8:00 am I was already hungry, impatient and in tears because I had no answers. Finally, they told me I was for sure on the schedule for the day, but they had no idea what time yet. I was on standby. Totally not a place that you want to be when you're just wanting to get something like this over with.

Around 12:30pm  I got the call to come in. At this point, I was starting to have what felt like labor pains. Cramping and aching. I was starting to really worry I was going to pass the baby on my own. As we drove to the hospital I kept telling my hubby I feel like I am in labor. Once we arrived at the hospital they got me in right away and said they were going to rush me back because they had a spot open up. I was glad about that because all I wanted was for this nightmare to be over.

In between surgery prep and starting my IV the blood clots started passing faster and faster and all of the sudden I was gushing blood everywhere. The labor pains also started to kick into high gear. I kept having the same feeling that I did when I had Grace and Carter. I felt like I just needed to push. If you have ever had a baby, you know exactly the feeling I am talking about. Our bodies are smart and when they are ready to get something out of you, there is little that can be done to stop it. After a few more blood gush episodes I decided I needed to go into the bathroom.

I wasn't quite ready for what was to come behind that closed door. Sure enough, my body was ready and I passed our baby moments before they took me back for surgery. It was the one thing I so desperately didn't want to have to deal with because I didn't think I could handle seeing it. It looked just like they do in all of the diagrams that you see in the doctor's office. Little eyes, tiny fingers, and feet. It scared me to death to pick it up, but I wrapped it in a paper towel and took it back into the room. This is the part where I started to really lose my shit.

I set it down near my husband and started to cry and emotionally come undone. He held me tight and tried to calm me down. Neither of us was up for this part. The doctor came and decided to start me on some of the drugs to knock me out and get me out of my misery. In the meantime, the nurses took the baby away and started to finish prepping me to take back for surgery.

I was a mess. I remember my husband kissing me and hugging me and me asking him to pray for me. Then they wheeled me away.

They still wanted to do the surgery even though I passed the baby because there was still lots of tissue and placenta that would need to be removed.

I am allergic to many of the different narcotics out there and we shared this with the team beforehand. They planned to use something different and would try to combat the reactions with different allergy medicines. What should have been a quick in and out surgery and recovery turned into a very long day. What they gave me caused a reaction that was slowing down my breathing and causing swelling and itching everywhere. They gave me what seemed like every drug under the sun to make the allergic reaction stop. I went back at 2:00 pm and never truly was up and with it until around 10:00 pm. I was beyond looped and exhausted and my husband was beyond worried about me.

The following days have been filled with waves of grief and comfort. Some moments I am fine and some moments I just can't stop crying. We have been surrounded by people who care. Our doorbell just kept ringing the last few days as flowers and fruit and foods have shown up. Loved ones have stepped in the watch the kids so I didn't have to and my inbox keeps overflowing with messages of support. It means a lot and it's helped a lot with the healing.

What most people don't know it how utterly emotional this is. They don't understand the hormones or the recovery part. They don't know what to say or how to act around you. What I can tell you from experience is that being there matters more than you realize. Send the flowers, make the meal, drop a card in the mail. Send them a text. Do whatever you can to let them know you care. Realize it may take them time to call you or get back to you, but your efforts are appreciated and they matter. What they really need right now is to know that they are not alone. Everyone will grieve a loss like this in a different way. What is important is that you make them understand there is no right or wrong way to do this and that you are here when they are ready.

Far too many women go thru exactly what we did this past week, but they do it in silence. Some never even got to share the joy that they were expecting. This isn't something you want to navigate thru alone. Share your story if you're going thru it or if you have been thru it. Realize that you won't ever get over it, but you will get thru it and that it doesn't get better but you do get stronger and that you are never alone.

For those dealing with a miscarriage or infant loss don't hesitate to seek support from a professional. They can help you seek light in your darkness.

Thanks to everyone who sent us things, visited, prayed, called, messaged, helped out. We love you lots and cannot thank you enough.

XOXO
Kevin & Sarah

Getting Thru Your Due Date

When Your Due Date Comes For The Baby You Lost

December 1st has been written on my calendar for months now. Nine to be exact. It was the due date for our baby that we lost this spring. I would be lying if I didn't say that I have been dreading it. I feel like once the date passes by the chapter will finally be closed.

I should preface this by saying that I am so so so grateful that I have another baby on the way now.  I can only imagine the hurt that those who also go thru this experience feel when another isn't on the way. We are the lucky ones. The ones who will be getting a baby soon as long as all goes well. While today still hurts us, it's not as sad as it could be and for that I am grateful. The pain that they must be feeling when this date passes by for them must be even more upsetting. Is today still a hard day for me? Absolutely but today is also part of the healing process.

This post is not a pity post. I don't need you to feel bad for us. I needed to write this for myself as part of moving forward and also to share with others what I did to get thru it all incase they are sitting in the same boat that we were.

In late February of 2016 I'd like to think a miracle happened. Finally after two and a half years of trying for a baby, I was able to get pregnant. We learned we were expecting in early March. A few weeks into the pregnancy we also learned that things didn't look well. The heartbeat was slower than it should be and the baby just wasn't growing enough. They also noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. This meant a lot of visits to the doctor for us in the coming weeks. It meant lots of ultrasounds, lots of praying and sadly lots of not so great news.

As we neared the end of the pregnancy the heartbeat began to get slower and slower. I remember coming in for the ultrasound on a Friday morning and it barely being there anymore. Since it was obviously still "alive" we had to wait it out. The next week felt like the longest week of my life. We knew what the outcome was going to be, it was just a matter of when. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but I knew in my heart that the baby wasn't going to make it. My husband and I went in that Thursday morning and sure enough the heartbeat finally had stopped. They put us in a "private room" while we waited for the doctor. I had a hard time keeping it together knowing I had a dead baby inside of me while all the other women were there because they had babies on the way. An OB office is the last place you want to be when facing this news.

About 30 minutes later we waited for the doctor to share our options with us. I was given advice from friends and family who had went thru it to opt for the D&E to just get it over with. I had went thru enough trauma in the last few weeks I didn't want to have to see it or pass it on my own. The OR schedule for Friday was already full so I had to wait until Monday morning. Talk about torture. We were instructed that if it started to happen on it's own to go ahead and come to the ER. That weekend was the only weekend in my life I had ever taken anything for anxiety but I decided I needed it.

Monday morning came. We dropped our son off at daycare and headed to the hospital. We spoke not much of a word to each other the whole way there. We rode hand in hand both sad for our little family. I was admitted and prepped for surgery around 9 am. I remember lying there just crying. I wanted the nightmare to end. The day was a blur. It took me awhile to come out of recovery. We didn't get home that day until 4:30pm or so. It will forever be one of the worst days of our marriage. We faced it together but it rocked us. It was a kind of sad that can't be explained.

The coming weeks were a whirlwind of emotions. I had taken most all of that week off of work and never left my bed. I was emotionally spent and sad. I stayed off social media, I ignored phone calls, visits and messages. I shut the world out and I don't regret that. I had to mourn the loss alone.

As the weeks passed by I started to "come to terms" with the fact that we were not having another baby. I struggled as friends around me shared the news of their own pregnancy. I watched as their bellies began to expand while mine didn't and now nine months later, I am now watching many of them welcome babies into the world.

I would never say that I am "grateful" to have lost a baby. But I will say that I am grateful for the journey that this loss took me on. I couldn't have said that then, but today nine months later I can. I am forever changed because of this. That journey brought me closer to God. It tested my faith, it showed me that marriage has hard days and that life will sometimes give you lemons. It helped me to be even more grateful for our son and the family that we did have.

There were days of crying in the shower and crying myself to sleep. There were workouts that were more like therapy sessions and there were books I read and podcast that I needed. I clung to Joel Osteen messages for hope and I spent time being a little broken. There was healing in all of it. Today I am able to share my story and it doesn't make me cry like it used it.

There is no answer of how long it will take you to feel better if you're the one going thru this. Maybe you will heal quickly, maybe it will take months and maybe even years. It will happen at different times for all of us. Sometimes it takes going thru something really hard to appreciate the joy in new beginnings. While this pregnancy I am going thru has been a wonderful unexpected blessing, it's also bittersweet. I look at it thru new eyes. It makes me appreciate each day even more than I would have had I not lost a child.

There will be a blessing in your own storm if you're the one going thru it. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you to keep your faith, keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. If your friend or family member is going thru this, send them a card, make them a dinner, bring wine. Whatever you feel like doing, just show up because they need you more than they will ever let on.

Today I am planning to purchase a lemon tree for inside our home because I have no idea what your supposed to do on your "due date" other than be sad. It's going to be my way of not just remembering the baby, but also remembering the journey we have been on while learning a hard life lesson. We took one of our most sour lemons that life handed to us and made something that resembled lemonade.We grew stronger in our marriage and my roots grew deeper in my faith. I wish I could say this is our only lemon we will be handed in life. I know it won't be and I probably won't be ready for it when it happens, but I will approach it with grace just like we did when life handed us this lemon.

Thanks for supporting us on this journey. Keep the prayers coming for our rainbow baby. We appreciate them more than you know. I know God is using me to be a light for others going thru this. My hope is that I give you hope for your own family.

xoxo

Sarah