3 years in the making - welcoming our rainbow baby

One Week To Go.... 

If you have been following our journey with infertility you may realize that the journey after three long hard years is about to end in less than a week. 

To be honest I am not sure how I feel right now. You would think I would be overjoyed and excited and just ready to meet her. While I am to an extent, I also have to be very honest and admit that I am terrified, worried and also anxious about all of the change that is about to come our way. I woke up this morning knowing that a week from today I will be induced to have her at some point on the 16th of May. I feel like I have a million things I need to do still to get ready, but I just don't feel ready.  

I keep praying that my anxiety stays down and that I calmly have an uneventful birth, but until shes in my arms I don't know that my fears will go away. I spent most of the first trimester worrying about a miscarriage. Then the second trimester worrying about how well she was growing and worried about her coming prematurely. Then I got to the third trimester and I started to have some major worry about the actual labor and delivery process. I am not sure why because my sons delivery was a breeze. I prayed a ton and that helped, but I still find the worrysome thoughts creeping in. 

I think all of this worry was my minds way of protecting me from the hurt and what we had been thru over the last three years. It's like I don't want to allow myself to get too excited until I know she really is here and safe. I would like to think this is normal when you walked the dark road of infertility, but who knows maybe it's not. 

So for the next week you will find me waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I am praying big and hoping that all goes according to HIS plans that are waiting for our family and this sweet little girl. We have such a special life planned for her with lots of love waiting for her. 

I have envisioned the moment when they hand her to us over and over in my head and every time I envision it I cry. The hard ugly kind of cry.

I have no doubt that it will be one of best moments of our marriage and my life as long as all goes well. I hope that the labor and delivery nurses who are there with us have a tissue because I anticipate it will be an emotional moment for everyone in the room. 

There was a bible verse that I held near to my heart during our dark days. Romans 8:18 says that "the pain you have been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I believed deep down it was true. That all of our hurt and pain was going to turn into something beautiful someday and sure enough it did. 

I will be reminding myself over and over of this verse during labor as I endure a few hard hours before meeting our precious rainbow after the storm. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks for coming along for the ride these past few years. We hope our story gave you hope for your own. God Bless you all. Can't wait to share her with you. 

Pregnancy & Hashimoto's Disease

The Bubble I Have Been Living In 

This morning I wanted to take some time and put some things out there that I have not shared all that much about my pregnancy but I just feel like it's time. 

If you follow me on social media you probably follow me for fitness motivation, healthy recipes, or possibly because of my openness about infertility and miscarriage. Whatever the reason you know me as the fitness coach and since becoming pregnant you might have noticed less and less fitness. 

Maybe you are wondering why. Because during the first trimester there was very little fitness happening. 

Shortly after learning that I was expecting I had an appointment with my endocrinologist whom I respect very much. 

I have worked with a lot of different doctors when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, but she is my go to girl. What she says goes in my world. Yes I really trust her that much. She has been trying relentlessly to help us get pregnant during the last year. From extensive testing, to putting the breaks on my fertility treatments, to dealing with what she thinks was PCSO and even hypoglycemia. You name it, shes been my person working on it for me. 

When I found out the end of the summer that I was expecting she was one of the FIRST people who knew. Literally even before my mom knew. I knew that not only my health, but the viability of my pregnancy depended on my thyroid health and I was going to need some close monitoring by her to make this happen. 

We met right away and made a game plan for how we would approach the pregnancy if it lasted. While that was a hard conversation to have, we knew the outcome of the pregnancy I had in the spring and we knew the struggle so we wanted to be proactive. 

One of the first things we talked about was my exercise. She knew I was very into fitness and she knew how hard I worked out. Her request was that I stop. Entirely. I about fell out of my chair when she said that. She said no cardio, no weights, not even pilates for now. She said I could walk and a few weeks later agreed on yoga. I was terrified what taking a break from exercise would do to my fitness business that I had worked so hard to build.

More than anything though, I wanted this pregnancy to work. So I followed her wishes. No exercise. She said my body has a hard enough time keeping up with all of the stresses that I put on it on a day to day basis not being pregnant. She insisted that I needed to be resting and only worry about growing a baby. If you are not familiar with what Hashimoto's disease is, it is an autoimmune disease where your bodies antibodies attack your thyroid treating it like something they need to "kill off." This in turn causes your thyroid not to function properly which is your control system for most of the internal functions of your body. Basically if your thyroid levels or antibodies are off, your in trouble. 

My gynocologist decided at 8 weeks that she wanted me exercising. My endo still did not. While I trust and respect both I needed to go with my gut and I needed to still not workout just yet. Not exercising was tricky. It made me feel like part of "me" was missing but I still sat it out. 

I managed to not gain much weight so far like I had in my pregnancy with Carter and I really contribute it to my lifestyle. Other than a few off the wall junk food cravings that I have had, I am eating very clean, drinking a ton of water and being mindful of portion control. Last time I took eating for two literally and managed to gain 57 lbs. So far 18 weeks in I have only gained 13 lbs. While I really could care less about the weight gain, it is a sign to me that I am having a much healthier second pregnancy. 

The second trimester brought with it lots more energy and a desire to exercise. While it has not been daily and it has been modified, it feels good to be back in action. Some sacrifices are worth making and for me it's the health of my baby. Lots will argue that it's perfectly fine to exercise during pregnancy and while the answer typically is yes it depends on each person and their own circumstance. For me pregnancy combined with a pretty severe case of Hashimoto's disease means I have to take it easy. 

I guess you could say that I have spent the last five months in a bubble. Lots of sleep, little stress, little exercise, healthy foods and I have been trying my best to stay away from crowds to avoid germs. The pregnancy has been nothing like the first and so so so much harder on my body. I am learning that an autoimmune disorder while pregnant means your playing an entirely different ball game than everyone else.

When you wait as long as I did to be pregnant you treat your body with a lot of respect for what it's growing. Even if it means taking a break from things that you love. 

If your in the same boat that I am, expecting and dealing with a health condition but still wanting to have a healthy fit pregnancy please get in touch with me. I would love to work with you on creating a modified way to include exercise and healthy eating into the remainder of your pregnancy.

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Getting Thru Your Due Date

When Your Due Date Comes For The Baby You Lost

December 1st has been written on my calendar for months now. Nine to be exact. It was the due date for our baby that we lost this spring. I would be lying if I didn't say that I have been dreading it. I feel like once the date passes by the chapter will finally be closed.

I should preface this by saying that I am so so so grateful that I have another baby on the way now.  I can only imagine the hurt that those who also go thru this experience feel when another isn't on the way. We are the lucky ones. The ones who will be getting a baby soon as long as all goes well. While today still hurts us, it's not as sad as it could be and for that I am grateful. The pain that they must be feeling when this date passes by for them must be even more upsetting. Is today still a hard day for me? Absolutely but today is also part of the healing process.

This post is not a pity post. I don't need you to feel bad for us. I needed to write this for myself as part of moving forward and also to share with others what I did to get thru it all incase they are sitting in the same boat that we were.

In late February of 2016 I'd like to think a miracle happened. Finally after two and a half years of trying for a baby, I was able to get pregnant. We learned we were expecting in early March. A few weeks into the pregnancy we also learned that things didn't look well. The heartbeat was slower than it should be and the baby just wasn't growing enough. They also noticed a subchorionic hemorrhage. This meant a lot of visits to the doctor for us in the coming weeks. It meant lots of ultrasounds, lots of praying and sadly lots of not so great news.

As we neared the end of the pregnancy the heartbeat began to get slower and slower. I remember coming in for the ultrasound on a Friday morning and it barely being there anymore. Since it was obviously still "alive" we had to wait it out. The next week felt like the longest week of my life. We knew what the outcome was going to be, it was just a matter of when. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, but I knew in my heart that the baby wasn't going to make it. My husband and I went in that Thursday morning and sure enough the heartbeat finally had stopped. They put us in a "private room" while we waited for the doctor. I had a hard time keeping it together knowing I had a dead baby inside of me while all the other women were there because they had babies on the way. An OB office is the last place you want to be when facing this news.

About 30 minutes later we waited for the doctor to share our options with us. I was given advice from friends and family who had went thru it to opt for the D&E to just get it over with. I had went thru enough trauma in the last few weeks I didn't want to have to see it or pass it on my own. The OR schedule for Friday was already full so I had to wait until Monday morning. Talk about torture. We were instructed that if it started to happen on it's own to go ahead and come to the ER. That weekend was the only weekend in my life I had ever taken anything for anxiety but I decided I needed it.

Monday morning came. We dropped our son off at daycare and headed to the hospital. We spoke not much of a word to each other the whole way there. We rode hand in hand both sad for our little family. I was admitted and prepped for surgery around 9 am. I remember lying there just crying. I wanted the nightmare to end. The day was a blur. It took me awhile to come out of recovery. We didn't get home that day until 4:30pm or so. It will forever be one of the worst days of our marriage. We faced it together but it rocked us. It was a kind of sad that can't be explained.

The coming weeks were a whirlwind of emotions. I had taken most all of that week off of work and never left my bed. I was emotionally spent and sad. I stayed off social media, I ignored phone calls, visits and messages. I shut the world out and I don't regret that. I had to mourn the loss alone.

As the weeks passed by I started to "come to terms" with the fact that we were not having another baby. I struggled as friends around me shared the news of their own pregnancy. I watched as their bellies began to expand while mine didn't and now nine months later, I am now watching many of them welcome babies into the world.

I would never say that I am "grateful" to have lost a baby. But I will say that I am grateful for the journey that this loss took me on. I couldn't have said that then, but today nine months later I can. I am forever changed because of this. That journey brought me closer to God. It tested my faith, it showed me that marriage has hard days and that life will sometimes give you lemons. It helped me to be even more grateful for our son and the family that we did have.

There were days of crying in the shower and crying myself to sleep. There were workouts that were more like therapy sessions and there were books I read and podcast that I needed. I clung to Joel Osteen messages for hope and I spent time being a little broken. There was healing in all of it. Today I am able to share my story and it doesn't make me cry like it used it.

There is no answer of how long it will take you to feel better if you're the one going thru this. Maybe you will heal quickly, maybe it will take months and maybe even years. It will happen at different times for all of us. Sometimes it takes going thru something really hard to appreciate the joy in new beginnings. While this pregnancy I am going thru has been a wonderful unexpected blessing, it's also bittersweet. I look at it thru new eyes. It makes me appreciate each day even more than I would have had I not lost a child.

There will be a blessing in your own storm if you're the one going thru it. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you to keep your faith, keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. If your friend or family member is going thru this, send them a card, make them a dinner, bring wine. Whatever you feel like doing, just show up because they need you more than they will ever let on.

Today I am planning to purchase a lemon tree for inside our home because I have no idea what your supposed to do on your "due date" other than be sad. It's going to be my way of not just remembering the baby, but also remembering the journey we have been on while learning a hard life lesson. We took one of our most sour lemons that life handed to us and made something that resembled lemonade.We grew stronger in our marriage and my roots grew deeper in my faith. I wish I could say this is our only lemon we will be handed in life. I know it won't be and I probably won't be ready for it when it happens, but I will approach it with grace just like we did when life handed us this lemon.

Thanks for supporting us on this journey. Keep the prayers coming for our rainbow baby. We appreciate them more than you know. I know God is using me to be a light for others going thru this. My hope is that I give you hope for your own family.

xoxo

Sarah

After every storm comes a rainbow...

For This Child We Prayed... 

I cannot tell you how many years I have been dreaming about the day that we would get to share that our son would no longer be an only child. If I am being honest with you I will say that we finally decided to put that dream aside and move on from all the pain we experienced. 2 1/2 years of infertility and a miscarriage this past spring left us feeling hopeless, sad and ready to move on with our life.

Then God showed us he had a different plan.  We have since learned that we were getting another chance at this and that maybe, just maybe our rainbow baby is coming after all.

If you're not familiar with what a rainbow baby is, it's what they call a baby born after a miscarriage. Because after every storm comes a rainbow of hope and that's just what this baby is for us. It's hope.

While we contemplated not sharing the news with everyone until a few months from now, we have decided it was time to share the hope and excitement with others instead of hiding it.

It's been a long two months not telling any of our family or friends. If you follow me on social media you know that I share ALL of my life, so not sharing this part of our journey felt like I wasn't being me.

We have had two appointments so far and at both appointments everything looked great. Strong heart beat, perfect size and great growth. All very different than the last pregnancy we experienced. It's not to say we are out of the woods. I realize many people wait until after the first trimester to share, but we have decided that we need the prayers and that we are going to celebrate the gift of life we have been given for as long as we are able to enjoy it.

Pregnancy is a journey and a scary one at that. I wish I could go back to being as clueless as I was during my first one. I had no fears. After our first ultrasound we told everyone, started picking names, planning the nursery and picking out clothes. In our minds we were getting a healthy baby in a few months and that's exactly what happened. Now that I am older and wiser I realize that next few months will be scary, but I also realize that motherhood and life is also very scary. I have made a choice to put my fears aside and believe that God has a plan for our family, and maybe just maybe this blessing that's growing inside of me will get to be a part of our plan.

I want to wrap this up with two things that I think are pretty special.

The first is that they say when a loved one passes away God often gives you another one in return. This past August my grandmother passed away. She was what I would like to call the queen of fertility. She had nine children and was literally a saint. I became pregnant shortly after she passed. I would like to think that she's looking out for me up there. I told my husband shes my guardian angel for this pregnancy. It brings me comfort thinking of her this way.

Lastly I talked about how this baby is called a rainbow baby. I want to share something pretty amazing. EVERY SINGLE DAY since the day I found out I was expecting this baby I see a rainbow. Sometimes a real one in the sky, sometimes in a store or on TV or even on an art project in my son's school. It's amazing but it's my daily reminder to take a deep breath and just enjoy this pregnancy and have hope that is will work out. I find so much joy each day when I see those rainbows.

So that's what we are doing. Taking this pregnancy day by day hoping and praying we make it to May. Thanks for all the support you have given us on our journey thru these hard years. Let's hope this year has lots of happiness in store for us.

ALL OUR LOVE

Kevin, Sarah, Carter and BABY GRIFFITH

"I will not cause pain without something new to be born says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

Starting Over...

Your Struggles Today Are Your Strengths Tomorrow 

There really are no words to describe all that I have been thru in the last few weeks. Our emotions have traveled a heck of a roller coaster. We were on a high because after three years, we were some how able to get pregnant. Then a few short weeks later we learned that things were not looking great and we spent a few weeks being terribly worried. Only to later to learn that the baby was not going to make it. This past week I had my surgery to remove what remained of the pregnancy. To say it was hard, it a bit of an understatement. 

Heading into surgery on Monday. 

I will be quite honest. When we learned I was pregnant, I was so afraid to mess anything up so I basically quit exercising. The doctors told me light exercise would be fine since I had already been active but I decided it was not worth the risk so I just stopped almost all together. Some would think oh no big deal who cares. Heres the thing though, for the last three years exercise was a part of my daily life. It was a part of me. The exercise was my stress relief. The workouts were not for weight loss they were for health and quite honestly it helped to keep my spirits up during hard times. I grew to really enjoy it and when I stopped I felt like a piece of me went missing.

All I was hanging on to was clean eating and truthfully that started to slip the more stressful things became as I learned something might be wrong with the pregnancy. I found myself slipping back to my old ways and getting lazy about what I was fueling my body with. The more junk I started to eat the more lousy I began to feel.  

I hit what I would call a bit of a rock bottom this week. Emotionally I have been a terribly sad and completely not myself. I spent much of the week recovering from the surgery I had on Monday. I went back to work on Thursday and Friday but have mostly been staying off social media and away from everyone. It seems the only person I feel like talking with is my husband and a very small handful of people. I realize it's not a great place to be but it's how I am getting thru and where I am right now. I also realize I need to get back to ME. While that may take time, I need to start somewhere and for me the only place I know can start with is my health. 

It's what feels familiar, its my old sense of normal and it's what I can control. So that is my plan. Controlling the controllable and handling the rest day by day.

The game plan is to start Saturday April 30th with the original program that I started with three short years ago when I started my journey as a challenger turned coach. I will spend the next 21 days doing the original 21 day fix. I will be drinking my Shakeology daily and using the portion control containers with my meal plan and working out 30 minutes a day each day. I am certain there will be days when I just don't feel like it, but I am making no excuses. I want to feel better about myself again and this is where I can start. Since March I have gained 9 lbs all of which I am almost certain I can drop in those 21 days. If I don't, that's okay too. This isn't about weight loss it's about getting back to my old self. 

I am asking for some support and extra cheering on in these coming weeks. I'm ready to turn my struggles into tomorrows strength. Your welcome to join me instead of just watching if you would like! Glad to have you along for the ride!

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Infertility Awareness Week

Struggling with Infertility? You Are Not Alone My Dear

April 24 - April 30th is infertility awareness week. I am not usually one to jump on all of the different "awareness" weeks, but this one hits home for my family and I so I thought I would shed light on the issue and talk about what our journey with this has looked like over the last three years.

I wish I could go back and sit down with the newly pregnant version of my younger self and tell her to enjoy it. Every single minute of it because doing this again will never be promised. I was so naive when I had my son. We wanted to start trying for a little one in June (I was a teacher so the summer was the right time.) I ended up getting pregnant in May. No planning, no worrying, no fertility drugs just a blessing in Gods timing. I sailed thru 10 months of pregnancy like a breeze. I made it look easy. No stretch marks, no issues with the baby, hardly any morning sickness, and a labor that lasted... wait for it... 2 hours. Yep I got lucky all around.

When he arrived we felt a love that we never knew existed. Motherhood changed me; but absolutely for the better. As he grew we shared many conversations about "when the next one comes" and his someday brother or sister. We never had any doubts that we would have a few more children. Shortly after his first birthday we started to try for another one.

Months turned into years and we started to question why it wasn't happening. After one year of trying with no luck the doctors were willing to move forward with testing to be certain the two of us had no fertility issues that we were now dealing with. They always began the conversations with "the good news is you have been pregnant before." It used to annoy the daylights out of me. Yes I realize we were able to get pregnant but we can't now. That's why we are here so help us figure this out.

We went thru a battery of expensive tests to figure out if anything was wrong with is. Your husband has to be a good sport if your going to travel this road, because they analyze his fertility too. None of these tests are fun and often times, none of them are comforting because many come back showing nothing is wrong with you or him. It leaves you scratching your head and having to go thru more tests to rule other things out. It often will begin with many different blood tests for both of you. That is actually how I learned about my thyroid condition. It is one of the first things they check for actually because your thyroid controls your entire endocrine system which plays a huge role in your fertility. If your thyroid is off, your wasting your time trying to get pregnant. You need that regulated first. Any level between 0 - 4.0 is considered normal but for fertility reasons they like it to be between .5 and 1.0. Mine started out in the high 13's. Which for us was clearly one of our big issues were were up against. It took from November to January to get those levels down to where they needed to be. The medication helped a lot.

Once we got the thyroid issues taken care of, we moved forward with seeing a fertility specialist. I shopped around a few times before settling with Magee Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh. You have to like who you are working with. If you feel like just another number when you are there, keep looking. There are plenty of compassionate doctors out there who are great to work with. Sadly, there are also others who will treat you like just another number.

After lots of blood work, they often will do a test to be certain your tubes are not blocked. This is called a hysterosalpingogram. Good luck trying to pronounce that one. ;) You are awake for the test. It is often done at the hospital. They put a catheter up thru your cervix then push dye thru it and watch it with x ray monitoring. They are looking for the fluids to "spill out" thru your tubes. This tells them if there is a blockage and where. That test hurt a bit. Lots of cramping and burning during it. They will let your spouse in the room while they do it. At least they did let mine in. It was nice to have him there because that test made me nervous. They also tell you that often times after that test your fertility goes up a bit because things have been "cleaned out."

You can't move forward with any fertility treatments until you do that test because if your tubes are blocked your wasting your time trying. So be prepared to cross this test off pretty quickly. We did this in January of last year. They suggested waiting three months to see if things happened on their own because of things being cleared out.

Three months passed by very slowly with no luck so we moved forward with our next try. Clomid. It's an oral pill you take that will stimulate your follicles to make certain you are producing an egg or quite often many eggs. You take this at the beginning of your cycle then are monitored thru ultrasound to see where the egg follicles are in regards to ovulation. Once they give you the green light to try, you do that then wait to see what happens. I should warn you though, Clomid comes with a boat load of pardon my french, but shitty side effects. It made me a monster. Headaches, sweating, emotional, cranky and flat out mean while I took it. My husband dreaded Clomid time in our house and quite honestly so did I. It also increases your chances of having multiples and not just two babies but sometimes several. We were nervous about that part but knew we wanted to grow our family and if it meant a few more than we planned for than so be it, we just wanted more children however we had to go about doing it.

After three months of taking clomid and not having it work each time, it got us pretty down. I went thru a hard time emotionally trying to accept that fact that we STILL had no luck. It also made us start to rethink all of this and start to look at parenting thru new eyes. We began to realize that we may only ever have one. We spent the summer and fall just taking in our sweet little one. Everything became different. We stopped saying things like when we have another one or when we do this next time around. Those conversations came to a bit of a halt and we started to just live in the moment with our son. Which we should have been doing all along.

While we were okay with the break we had taken from the fertility options, we knew if we wanted to have another one our next step was IUI or Intrauterine Insemination. It starts with blood testing during your period, then you take a drug similar to clomid (some do clomid.) I was supposed to do femera instead for a few days at the beginning of your cycle. Then you go for ultrasound testing. Once they give you the go ahead you take a trigger shot (in the butt) called ovidrel. This causes the egg to drop then you have a very short window to get your butt to the hospital where they are caring for you. Then they take your husbands sperm and "spin it or wash it" this takes a few hours and its so that they can ensure the have the best ones to use. Shortly after using a catheter, they inject the sperm into your uterus and you wait and hope that it works. At best you have between a 10 - 20% chance of it working each cycle. Depending on where you go it can cost you between $1,000.00 - $4,000.00 each round. They tell you up front you will most likely need to try three to four rounds. Many do not have success on the first round.

We explored it actually before we tried clomid but didn't want to take this aggressive step until we ruled out the easier methods first. As you know most often these types of treatments are not covered by your insurance company so it leaves you footing the bill for these procedures that often have very small guarantees of success rates. Not only do they have your heart and emotions tied up in all of this, but also your wallet. We finally decided to go forward with IUI this past January. We didn't want to question for the rest of our lives if we should have tried. We needed to rule it out so we could begin to move forward. It was ironic, the day I went to Magee for my ultra sounds and blood work I was supposed to start the drug that night but it all came to a halt. I had an endocrinologist appointment that same day. She put the brakes on me going forward because she did not think my body was up for the challenge just yet. My blood work was telling her something other than my thyroid was wrong. Thyroid was fine, it was either my cortisol levels or insulin that was wrong. She said not to lose faith, we could figure it out but she needed time and we needed to do more tests. It was a huge let down but we knew it was for the best. We were glad that we did not invest our emotions and our money in the IUI  that day. Shortly after we learned from doing the 6 hour insulin resistance test, that I was struggling with some major blood sugar issues that we needed to fix.

The morning of my insulin resistance testing. He was by my side thru all of these tests we have encountered. It's absolutely been our journey not just mine. He's amazing. 

That was our sign to stop. My husband and I were sick of the let downs, the sadness and the emptiness that goes along with infertility. We both knew what the other was thinking. Enough is enough. We were done. We knew there were lots of other and even more expensive options we could try but we had enough. We had to stop living in this place of uncertainty of will we have another or not? We both agreed we would be okay with the cards we were dealt and we would pick up and move forward as a family of three blessed as can be. No more wishing for more. Just living in the moment loving and appreciating the one that we do have. We even made a plan that we would give all of our sons childhood belongings to a mother in need this coming winter when our son turns five. We were okay with our plan and we were finally at ease with our decision.

Then a month later, we found out we were expecting. All on our own. No fertility drugs, no help,  just a special blessing from God. Sadly the blessing only stayed with us for six weeks and tomorrow I will be having surgery to remove the babies remains. It was a hard pill to swallow after having such a hard few years with infertility. To have been given this blessing and have it taken away so quickly rocked us and tested our faith.

Like all of the other disappointments we have experienced with infertility we will move forward and with time we will be okay. For now, we are not, but with time we know that we will. God has a plan that is bigger than ours. Somedays it's just hard to understand the plan.

To make a long story short. My advice to anyone going thru this awful storm is to keep the faith. Lean on your husband or partner and go thru this together. Let them know how hard it is for you and listen while they share their feelings with you too. It is just as sad for them as it is for you. Make it your journey together. This has made our marriage stronger but for some it can cause marriages to fall apart. Don't let that happen to you and yours. Know that it's absolutely okay to be sad, mad and even question your faith some days. Realize that it's going to hurt when your friends all around you are getting pregnant. Stay out of the baby section in department stores and Target and know that it's okay to skip out on baby showers and visiting new babies if your not ready. I had my share of skips. I was not in a place where I could go. With time, I am sure I will be able to, but that time is not right now and thats OKAY! Know that there are people you can talk with who are professionals if the sadness is too much for you and lastly I encourage you to SHARE your story. Share it with your friends and your family and own it. Do not be embarrassed that you are struggling with infertility. You are not alone. There are SO many women out there who are going thru the same thing or who have went thru it and went on to have successful pregnancies. Use those people as hope for you. Keep praying about it and keep your chin up. God's plan is playing out. Your time will come and if it never does, know that there are children out there who need someone to love them. While I realize giving birth to your own child is something that many long for, it is not always in the cards. If it isn't and you truly from the bottom of your heart want one, be brave enough to take the steps to move forward with a different approach. If you want to be a mother you can be. You just have to have patience my dear.

God bless you all! I pray your walk with infertility is a short one with sun at the end of your rainstorm. Please share this post with your friends or family who could benefit. Let me know if I can pray for you! I would be glad to!
Love,
Sarah

Six Special Weeks....

For the last six weeks, my husband and I have been enjoying keeping a very big secret just between the two of us. In early March we discovered after three years of dealing with the dark road of infertility, we were somehow suddenly expecting. We were in shock, beyond excited and somewhat nervous. It seemed way to unreal after so many months of nothing happening. The cool part was that it happened on it's on. No fertility treatments. Just a special blessing from God.

We decided to keep our special news between us for a few reasons. The first is that we didn't want to get everyone in our family excited and then have to go thru the loss in the event that things didn't work out. The second reason is because my life as a coach requires me to live my life out loud on social media. We share it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. We do it in hope of encouraging others, but some days it is hard to share it all. It felt really fun to have a secret that was "just ours" these last few weeks.

Our first appointment got us hopeful of what was to come. It also brought back really special memories of our initial appointments we had when we were expecting our son Carter. The ultrasound showed the pregnancy was in the beginning phases of development. It seemed like such a miracle. We left with a picture that was the beginning of what was going to soon take another place in our heart.

They wanted us to come back two weeks later to get a better idea of the dates and how big the baby was. This past Monday I went for an ultrasound and saw something that brought tears to my eyes and caused them to stream down my cheeks. Not only did I get to see our tiny baby, but I also saw the beautiful sight of a heart beat. I saw life inside of me. I saw a miracle and I saw hope.

That afternoon I got a phone call that they were worried about a few things. The heartbeat seemed slow. It was 92 bpm. They like to see it between 100 - 110 bpm. The baby also seemed a little small to them for as long as I have been pregnant. Lastly, they shared that there was a small blood clot in my uterus. All things that made them apprehensive but for now, nothing to worry about yet. They wanted me to come back Friday for another appointment and ultrasound so we could see what we were dealing with. I was told to lay low for the week until we got things "figured out."

That phone call hurt. It put worry in my mind that I never wanted to have to experience. It made me fearful but faithful. My husband kept reassuring me everything was going to be okay. Until someone told us we had something to worry about, we needed to stop worrying. Easier said than done I suppose. It has been one of the longest weeks of my life waiting on Friday.

Finally Friday came. I walked into the doctors nervous but ready to get this show on the road. I was hoping and praying I would get to see a heartbeat into the hundreds and a baby measuring much bigger than it had looked earlier in the week.

The ultrasound tech's face said it all before she had to say anything. I saw a look of disappointment across her face. Then she had to look at me and tell me that the heartbeat is barely there and that the baby was measuring smaller than it did on Monday. She could not get an accurate measurement of how many beats per minute but it certainly was no where near 92. In fact, she couldn't confirm it even still had one. It could in fact just be my pulse.

I tried to be strong and not get emotional. I didn't want to be a mess in the office or walking out of there. The last thing I wanted in that moment was sympathy, I just wanted to be left alone and by chance I was actually was alone. We had a busy week with Carter being sick and Kevin already missed two days of work to be home with him. Because of that, he wasn't able to be there with me. It's funny how well you can keep your composure when you have to. After changing, I choked back enough tears to get me out of there before breaking down into some big sobbing in my car on the way home. What I had been fearing all week had suddenly become a reality. I was so sad and quite honestly so mad that after three years of disappointment with our infertility struggles, we would have to face a loss. It really felt unfair.

Now we have to continue to play the waiting game. We will wait until there is no longer a detectable heartbeat anymore, then I will have a surgery shortly after to remove what remains of the pregnancy. Once this happens, I will become a member of a club that I have never ever wanted to be a part of. A club that has experienced a miscarriage. That stats are that 1 in 4 women will have one. During our fertility appointments we were told that each month most couples have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Our chances however were only around a 3% because of how long we had been trying and the health conditions that I have. That 3% sure seemed like getting pregnant would be impossible for us but somehow we beat those odds. Sadly, I doesn't look like we will beat the 1 in 4 odds of experiencing a miscarriage.

Right now all of this stings, it hurts and it's been hard to go thru alone. Because of our choice to not share the news with anyone, it also meant we have had to deal with the worry and now sadness of this alone. We decided we now need the prayers more than the privacy, so please if you would keep us in your prayers it would mean a lot to us. Pray that it happens quickly, the surgery goes well and that with time we heal.

The sadness of all of this makes us cling tight to the sweet little boy we have been blessed with. We are still feeling very sad that he still won't have a little brother or sister like he keeps asking for. But we are still in awe of the miracle that we do have. Makes you appreciate the beauty of life so much more.

Thanks for keeping our family in your hearts! We appreciate it as we begin to navigate the dark days ahead of us while we deal with some of the grief. Until them we will cling to this verse "the pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18

XOXO,
The Griffith's

One Step Closer To Our Answer

Learning To Dance Thru The Storm 

Since I have such a large following now on social media and I put it all out there ALL the time, I have a lot of people who really have shown care and concern for our family as I have battled some health issues this past year. I have been very public about my infertility struggles and thyroid issues because I know that someone out there needs my story and is going thru the same storm. By deciding to be public about it, I have found that I really am not alone. So many women have reached out to me because they went thru it or know someone who went thru it too. They make the walk seem just a little less dark. I can't say thank you enough for all of the prayers, messages and concern.

I feel like I owe you all an update because I gave a little clue last week on social media that we were up to something and then I gave another clue that it didn't go so well. I got tons of messages checking on us and it totally melted our hearts knowing we had so much support. 

So here it is - Since this past summer Kevin and I have been dealing with and coping with the fact that we may only ever have one child. After three failed attempts with clomid this past spring it kind of rocked us to our core. It was hard on my health when I did those three rounds and emotionally it was killer to go thru it and not have it work. While we realize there are other more drastic forms of fertility treatments and options we can try, it really got us down and felt very defeating. I found myself in a sad place in June and quite honesty have not wanted to go back there since we got thru it. We decided to focus on the blessing we had in front of us and stop wishing for more when we have one already who was all that we ever have wanted. We finally got to a place where we were not as sad and were starting to "be okay" with the cards that we were dealt. We looked at the bright side that he was healthy and at least we were blessed with one. Some don't even get that lucky. We looked at the other side of the card and talked about the lifestyle we could give him since we only had to afford one. It meant lots of vacations in the future, only having to buy 1 car some day for our teenager and a only one college education we would have to help fund. It meant a lifestyle for our son very different than the one we both grew up with. Both Kevin and I grew up in normal middle class families. We didn't have cleaning ladies, we didn't go on exotic vacations and we had siblings who we had to share with and sometimes our parents told us "no you have to wait until pay day to get that." We grew up very loved but we didn't have the "lifestyle" our son has. While we are very proud of what we are able to give him, we are missing something that money really can't buy. It's a brother or sister and he wants one terribly. He is at the age where all of his little friends are having baby brothers or sisters and asks us often when he will get his. And that is when it hurts. When my sweet little boy says his prayers at night and prays for a sibling my heart breaks a little. It is so hard not being able to give him that. Because of this, we decided that we could not look back on our life someday when we are older and regret that we didn't try again with fertility treatments. 

After lots of praying and debating back and forth, back and forth we decided we needed to try IUI at least once. I don't think we will take it any steps further than a few rounds of IUI. There are other options for us such as in vetro, foster parenting and adoption but I think we will call it quits if the IUI does not work. We can't go thru this over and over but also can't move forward until we have at least tried this. 

Because of Beachbody coaching I am in a a place financially where I can afford this. Sometimes I think this is one of the reasons why coaching was put in my life so I could say yes to things like this. It took me almost 8 months to "see this." Even though I know I can swing it financially, I knew emotionally it was going to be hard. I hadn't been ready to go thru it for the fear of the letdown. I almost didn't even want to try because I have been afraid of the sadness. Finally we got enough courage to say yes and move forward. I made the call to Magee to set up the treatment, have the medications ordered and we got ready for "the ride" we were about to go on. Blood work, meds that made me crazy, ultrasounds, shots, trips to Pittsburgh and the waiting game. We were ready. We went to Pittsburgh last Friday for the first steps. Everything looked good and I got the go ahead to start the medicine. The actual insemination procedure would have occurred yesterday or today depending on how the meds worked. But we had to skip it this month. 

You see right after my appointment at Magee I had an endocrinologist appointment. I wanted to be certain I had my thyroid under control and had the green light for this from my doctor. It's been a battle the last year getting it regulated and overcoming the fatigue that comes along with thyroid issues. I may look like I have all this energy but MAN I am exhausted 90% of the time. It's killer but I hide it well. We learned Friday that I do have Hashimoto's disease. I sort of saw it coming but Fridays ultrasound and blood work conformed it. That wasn't the big issue though. My thyroid is regulated and okay to handle pregnancy now. It wasn't before. My problem now seems to be my cortisol levels. My labs showed they were very low and concerned my doctor. She wants to do more testing to determine if I have adrenal fatigue going on. I have a six hour test at the hospital coming up in a few weeks where they will try to figure out if I have any insulin resistance, adrenal issues or a mass on my pituitary gland. All of these issues can be solved but we have to figure out the root cause first. 

 As much as it hurt to hear that we would need to hold off on the fertility treatments, I am thankful that God put me there that day at that appointment so I didn't move forward quite yet. Knowing that something is not quite right just yet means that the IUI most likely would have failed. He didn't want me to go down that road yet. I believe he has bigger plans for us. He was there that day telling me to just be patient my dear, better things are coming. It's still going to rain a little more for you, but I don't give you more than you can take. Stay strong. Your sunshine is coming soon enough. 

Keep the prayers coming as we work on walking towards our sunshine. Thanks for all the love and support. It means the world to us! 

XOXOXO

Sarah, Kevin & Carter 

When Things Don't Go According To The "Plan"

Difficult Roads Often Lead To Beautiful Destinations 

If you have been following me on social media, you know that this past year has brought a new reality that my husband and I had to face. Our reality was that even though we had no trouble at all getting pregnant with our son almost four years again, our chances for another have become very slim on our own. It's funny when you have one, you always just assume there will be more. We always have talked about "the next one" we saved all of our little guys baby things for "the next one" and had anticipated that our family would grow at least by one more. Then two years down the road after there was no next one month after month of trying, we decided maybe something was wrong. After lots of testing, regulating my thyroid,vitamin d levels, unblocking my tubes and taking several rounds of fertility drugs - we found ourselves in a dark place this summer. It was a place of hopelessness and sadness. We feel very very very blessed that God gave us our son, but we also are very very sad for the little brother or sister our son does not have. It has been a hard road to walk and one that luckily we have walked together as husband and wife. As hard as this struggle has been, it also has really brought us even closer together. While I don't like the road we are on, I wouldn't want to be on it with anyone else. 

When our last round of the fertility drugs did not work in June we decided to take a step back and spend the summer trying to accept what might be our reality that our family may be smaller than we thought. We took in every moment of the precious life that is growing up before our very eyes. We stopped talking about "the next one" and simply have tried to just be present and enjoy our summer with our blessing we were given. We decided that we would take a break from all the trying, the medication and the stress of it NOT working every single month. 24+ months of trying with no luck gets to be defeating after awhile. While I wear a big bright smile every day, some days that smile is hiding sadness that only my husband knows about and understands. However, I can honestly say we are in a different place now than before. I would be lying if I said I wasn't still sad some days. It's still hard but I am better, stronger and even more grateful than ever before. 

Our steps from here if we want to continue this difficult journey requires some science and gets to be a lot more expensive with no guarantees. We are still praying about that decision. Quite honestly, we have been praying about this for months. My heart tells me I have to at least try once so I don't spend the rest of my life wondering what if. It's more so now that the timing has to be right and right now the timing is not right. My body is still under too much stress with all that I have going on.  In the meantime, I decided I wanted to try a more holistic approach. I had read tons of articles and books and talked with people who dealt with infertility and many had suggested I try acupuncture. I felt like at this point I had nothing to lose so I went for it and loved it.

I signed up for four weeks in a row worth of hour long treatments and will decide from there how often I plan to go. I was absolutely amazed at how much she was able to tell me about my body by feeling my pulses and meridians. Right away she was able to tell me she knew I was there for infertility just by what she was feeling from the pulses. I was amazed and my tongue also told her that I had recently been dealing with something stressful and traumatic (umm yeah 24 months of this struggle I would say is a bit stressful.) The treatments may or may not work but what it has done for me is helped me to feel more balanced and less stressed which is important because the hormones secreted during stressful situations can significantly decrease fertility. While I cannot promise it will work, I would highly encourage anyone who is trying to get pregnant to give it a try. Actually I would encourage everyone to try it. There are SO many other health benefits as well aside from fertility help. To answer the million dollar question - NO the needles DO NOT hurt!! 

So why do I share all of this with lots and lots of strangers? Because the scars that you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed for the same rocks you hit.  Someone out there is reading this and needs this it. Somebody is in the same boat as I am, and if that somebody is you; I want you to remind yourself that just because it's not happening right now doesn't mean it never will. You are in your own little storm right now and it's changing you and it's testing you, but it will not break you.  When this storm passes you are going to come out of it a different person than you were when you went into it. Keep up the faith, keep your chin up and keep us in your prayers. We could use a miracle. Feel free to reach out to me for support if your standing in this storm, I get it and would be glad to talk with you. S.Griffith27@gmail.com

Where You Been Girl....

Catching Up On Life....

"The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for."

I know I know I know..... I have been missing in action on my blogging lately. Maybe you have started to wonder where I have been or if I decided to toss in the towel. If you thought that then you would be wrong. You see I have been trying to keep my head above water and I feel like that little fish on Finding Nemo. Trying to just keep swimming, just keep swimming! Life has been crazy busy and has left little time for blogging.

I suppose I should take time to catch you up on something that I have been dealing with since fall and something that my husband and I have spent the winter trying to conquer. In the process of trying to conquer this, I have learned that I can plan as much as I want to but the plans really are not in my hands, they are in Gods.

This past fall you may have remembered my post about my health issues that I discovered. We had been trying for another little one and the testing that was done on me this fall, lead us to learn I was dealing with some serious thyroid issues and possibly polycystic ovarian syndrome. Two huge reasons why after months and month of trying and getting let down we still had no baby number 2. At first they told me lets just worry about getting your thyroid regulated and we can work on the infertility after that so thats the route we took. Luckily, my thyroid was quick to regulate with medications and I was able to get my numbers to a level that would be conducive for pregnancy. That fall, I had made an appointment for late January with the infertility doctors and tried to tell myself we wouldn't need that appointment and that things would work out. Well, it turned out we did need that appointment and  after going there I sort of fell to a level of sadness I had not been to before. 

I got bitter about new babies and baby showers and even simple things like blankets and clothes and anything baby.I found myself distancing myself from anything that had to do with pregnancy. It would bring me to tears that I only let Kevin see. He held me while I cried so many times about it this past winter and truly was my rock. It has never been my journey it has been "our" journey together.  You see having our first was simple - no wishing or waiting just like that we were expecting our first and the pregnancy was perfect so I assumed there would be more down the road and it would be as simple as the first. When that was not what God had in store for us, it began to be a hard pill to swallow. I tried so hard to not let the emotions get the best of me but it really had me down and honestly bitter and sad for our little family. Carter asks for a brother and sister almost daily. After awhile it gets hard to hear and so does the famous line of "when are you having another?"

We not only went to Danville but we also went to Pittsburgh to learn more about our options. I had oodles of blood tests done, ultrasounds, scans, and even a procedure to check to see if my tubes were blocked. It turned out the one side was. We also had to have some serious conversations with the fertility doctors about whats next for us and how we wanted to go forward.

It is seeming like we may have to get help if we want the second. As you know that costs money and lots of it. Before we take that step our doctor wanted us to consider a common fertility drug Clomid. We had debated this powerhouse fertility drug for months and finally after one too many let downs we made the decision to give it a try. We were warned that Clomid is a beast and a powerful one at that. It's side effects are brutal and your chances of multiples are much higher. We sat on the decision and prayed about it and went for it. I started it this week and all I can say is that it is been a very very long week. It's taken its toll on my body big time - I was hot, moody, nauseous, exhausted beyond belief and my head was killing me. All some of the brutal side effects from this. Fingers crossed something happens in the coming months. We are allowed to do 3 rounds of this then we have to go the other route if we want to pursue it. Our fate is in Gods hands but the waiting is what tests you.

Clomid - The tiny pill that has the potential to change our lives in a big way

Moral of the story is that I have not given up on my wellness along this way. When life knocks you down its easy to say forget this - skip the exercise, fall victim to emotional eating, and throw in the towel on all the things I am trying to balance but I didn't. I still have worked out almost every single day, I am still eating clean and I am still juggling a full time teaching job, a masters class, motherhood and marriage, as well as doing Beachbody full time on the side. I made it a priority and refuse to let my health and wellness go because life got hard on me. 

Keep us in your prayers. Carter would love a sibling(s) in the near future and mom and dad would too!

xoxoxo
-Sarah