For the last six weeks, my husband and I have been enjoying keeping a very big secret just between the two of us. In early March we discovered after three years of dealing with the dark road of infertility, we were somehow suddenly expecting. We were in shock, beyond excited and somewhat nervous. It seemed way to unreal after so many months of nothing happening. The cool part was that it happened on it's on. No fertility treatments. Just a special blessing from God.
We decided to keep our special news between us for a few reasons. The first is that we didn't want to get everyone in our family excited and then have to go thru the loss in the event that things didn't work out. The second reason is because my life as a coach requires me to live my life out loud on social media. We share it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. We do it in hope of encouraging others, but some days it is hard to share it all. It felt really fun to have a secret that was "just ours" these last few weeks.
Our first appointment got us hopeful of what was to come. It also brought back really special memories of our initial appointments we had when we were expecting our son Carter. The ultrasound showed the pregnancy was in the beginning phases of development. It seemed like such a miracle. We left with a picture that was the beginning of what was going to soon take another place in our heart.
They wanted us to come back two weeks later to get a better idea of the dates and how big the baby was. This past Monday I went for an ultrasound and saw something that brought tears to my eyes and caused them to stream down my cheeks. Not only did I get to see our tiny baby, but I also saw the beautiful sight of a heart beat. I saw life inside of me. I saw a miracle and I saw hope.
That afternoon I got a phone call that they were worried about a few things. The heartbeat seemed slow. It was 92 bpm. They like to see it between 100 - 110 bpm. The baby also seemed a little small to them for as long as I have been pregnant. Lastly, they shared that there was a small blood clot in my uterus. All things that made them apprehensive but for now, nothing to worry about yet. They wanted me to come back Friday for another appointment and ultrasound so we could see what we were dealing with. I was told to lay low for the week until we got things "figured out."
That phone call hurt. It put worry in my mind that I never wanted to have to experience. It made me fearful but faithful. My husband kept reassuring me everything was going to be okay. Until someone told us we had something to worry about, we needed to stop worrying. Easier said than done I suppose. It has been one of the longest weeks of my life waiting on Friday.
Finally Friday came. I walked into the doctors nervous but ready to get this show on the road. I was hoping and praying I would get to see a heartbeat into the hundreds and a baby measuring much bigger than it had looked earlier in the week.
The ultrasound tech's face said it all before she had to say anything. I saw a look of disappointment across her face. Then she had to look at me and tell me that the heartbeat is barely there and that the baby was measuring smaller than it did on Monday. She could not get an accurate measurement of how many beats per minute but it certainly was no where near 92. In fact, she couldn't confirm it even still had one. It could in fact just be my pulse.
I tried to be strong and not get emotional. I didn't want to be a mess in the office or walking out of there. The last thing I wanted in that moment was sympathy, I just wanted to be left alone and by chance I was actually was alone. We had a busy week with Carter being sick and Kevin already missed two days of work to be home with him. Because of that, he wasn't able to be there with me. It's funny how well you can keep your composure when you have to. After changing, I choked back enough tears to get me out of there before breaking down into some big sobbing in my car on the way home. What I had been fearing all week had suddenly become a reality. I was so sad and quite honestly so mad that after three years of disappointment with our infertility struggles, we would have to face a loss. It really felt unfair.
Now we have to continue to play the waiting game. We will wait until there is no longer a detectable heartbeat anymore, then I will have a surgery shortly after to remove what remains of the pregnancy. Once this happens, I will become a member of a club that I have never ever wanted to be a part of. A club that has experienced a miscarriage. That stats are that 1 in 4 women will have one. During our fertility appointments we were told that each month most couples have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Our chances however were only around a 3% because of how long we had been trying and the health conditions that I have. That 3% sure seemed like getting pregnant would be impossible for us but somehow we beat those odds. Sadly, I doesn't look like we will beat the 1 in 4 odds of experiencing a miscarriage.
Right now all of this stings, it hurts and it's been hard to go thru alone. Because of our choice to not share the news with anyone, it also meant we have had to deal with the worry and now sadness of this alone. We decided we now need the prayers more than the privacy, so please if you would keep us in your prayers it would mean a lot to us. Pray that it happens quickly, the surgery goes well and that with time we heal.
The sadness of all of this makes us cling tight to the sweet little boy we have been blessed with. We are still feeling very sad that he still won't have a little brother or sister like he keeps asking for. But we are still in awe of the miracle that we do have. Makes you appreciate the beauty of life so much more.
Thanks for keeping our family in your hearts! We appreciate it as we begin to navigate the dark days ahead of us while we deal with some of the grief. Until them we will cling to this verse "the pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18
XOXO,
The Griffith's
