One Step Closer To Our Answer

Learning To Dance Thru The Storm 

Since I have such a large following now on social media and I put it all out there ALL the time, I have a lot of people who really have shown care and concern for our family as I have battled some health issues this past year. I have been very public about my infertility struggles and thyroid issues because I know that someone out there needs my story and is going thru the same storm. By deciding to be public about it, I have found that I really am not alone. So many women have reached out to me because they went thru it or know someone who went thru it too. They make the walk seem just a little less dark. I can't say thank you enough for all of the prayers, messages and concern.

I feel like I owe you all an update because I gave a little clue last week on social media that we were up to something and then I gave another clue that it didn't go so well. I got tons of messages checking on us and it totally melted our hearts knowing we had so much support. 

So here it is - Since this past summer Kevin and I have been dealing with and coping with the fact that we may only ever have one child. After three failed attempts with clomid this past spring it kind of rocked us to our core. It was hard on my health when I did those three rounds and emotionally it was killer to go thru it and not have it work. While we realize there are other more drastic forms of fertility treatments and options we can try, it really got us down and felt very defeating. I found myself in a sad place in June and quite honesty have not wanted to go back there since we got thru it. We decided to focus on the blessing we had in front of us and stop wishing for more when we have one already who was all that we ever have wanted. We finally got to a place where we were not as sad and were starting to "be okay" with the cards that we were dealt. We looked at the bright side that he was healthy and at least we were blessed with one. Some don't even get that lucky. We looked at the other side of the card and talked about the lifestyle we could give him since we only had to afford one. It meant lots of vacations in the future, only having to buy 1 car some day for our teenager and a only one college education we would have to help fund. It meant a lifestyle for our son very different than the one we both grew up with. Both Kevin and I grew up in normal middle class families. We didn't have cleaning ladies, we didn't go on exotic vacations and we had siblings who we had to share with and sometimes our parents told us "no you have to wait until pay day to get that." We grew up very loved but we didn't have the "lifestyle" our son has. While we are very proud of what we are able to give him, we are missing something that money really can't buy. It's a brother or sister and he wants one terribly. He is at the age where all of his little friends are having baby brothers or sisters and asks us often when he will get his. And that is when it hurts. When my sweet little boy says his prayers at night and prays for a sibling my heart breaks a little. It is so hard not being able to give him that. Because of this, we decided that we could not look back on our life someday when we are older and regret that we didn't try again with fertility treatments. 

After lots of praying and debating back and forth, back and forth we decided we needed to try IUI at least once. I don't think we will take it any steps further than a few rounds of IUI. There are other options for us such as in vetro, foster parenting and adoption but I think we will call it quits if the IUI does not work. We can't go thru this over and over but also can't move forward until we have at least tried this. 

Because of Beachbody coaching I am in a a place financially where I can afford this. Sometimes I think this is one of the reasons why coaching was put in my life so I could say yes to things like this. It took me almost 8 months to "see this." Even though I know I can swing it financially, I knew emotionally it was going to be hard. I hadn't been ready to go thru it for the fear of the letdown. I almost didn't even want to try because I have been afraid of the sadness. Finally we got enough courage to say yes and move forward. I made the call to Magee to set up the treatment, have the medications ordered and we got ready for "the ride" we were about to go on. Blood work, meds that made me crazy, ultrasounds, shots, trips to Pittsburgh and the waiting game. We were ready. We went to Pittsburgh last Friday for the first steps. Everything looked good and I got the go ahead to start the medicine. The actual insemination procedure would have occurred yesterday or today depending on how the meds worked. But we had to skip it this month. 

You see right after my appointment at Magee I had an endocrinologist appointment. I wanted to be certain I had my thyroid under control and had the green light for this from my doctor. It's been a battle the last year getting it regulated and overcoming the fatigue that comes along with thyroid issues. I may look like I have all this energy but MAN I am exhausted 90% of the time. It's killer but I hide it well. We learned Friday that I do have Hashimoto's disease. I sort of saw it coming but Fridays ultrasound and blood work conformed it. That wasn't the big issue though. My thyroid is regulated and okay to handle pregnancy now. It wasn't before. My problem now seems to be my cortisol levels. My labs showed they were very low and concerned my doctor. She wants to do more testing to determine if I have adrenal fatigue going on. I have a six hour test at the hospital coming up in a few weeks where they will try to figure out if I have any insulin resistance, adrenal issues or a mass on my pituitary gland. All of these issues can be solved but we have to figure out the root cause first. 

 As much as it hurt to hear that we would need to hold off on the fertility treatments, I am thankful that God put me there that day at that appointment so I didn't move forward quite yet. Knowing that something is not quite right just yet means that the IUI most likely would have failed. He didn't want me to go down that road yet. I believe he has bigger plans for us. He was there that day telling me to just be patient my dear, better things are coming. It's still going to rain a little more for you, but I don't give you more than you can take. Stay strong. Your sunshine is coming soon enough. 

Keep the prayers coming as we work on walking towards our sunshine. Thanks for all the love and support. It means the world to us! 

XOXOXO

Sarah, Kevin & Carter 

Where You Been Girl....

Catching Up On Life....

"The things you take for granted, someone else is praying for."

I know I know I know..... I have been missing in action on my blogging lately. Maybe you have started to wonder where I have been or if I decided to toss in the towel. If you thought that then you would be wrong. You see I have been trying to keep my head above water and I feel like that little fish on Finding Nemo. Trying to just keep swimming, just keep swimming! Life has been crazy busy and has left little time for blogging.

I suppose I should take time to catch you up on something that I have been dealing with since fall and something that my husband and I have spent the winter trying to conquer. In the process of trying to conquer this, I have learned that I can plan as much as I want to but the plans really are not in my hands, they are in Gods.

This past fall you may have remembered my post about my health issues that I discovered. We had been trying for another little one and the testing that was done on me this fall, lead us to learn I was dealing with some serious thyroid issues and possibly polycystic ovarian syndrome. Two huge reasons why after months and month of trying and getting let down we still had no baby number 2. At first they told me lets just worry about getting your thyroid regulated and we can work on the infertility after that so thats the route we took. Luckily, my thyroid was quick to regulate with medications and I was able to get my numbers to a level that would be conducive for pregnancy. That fall, I had made an appointment for late January with the infertility doctors and tried to tell myself we wouldn't need that appointment and that things would work out. Well, it turned out we did need that appointment and  after going there I sort of fell to a level of sadness I had not been to before. 

I got bitter about new babies and baby showers and even simple things like blankets and clothes and anything baby.I found myself distancing myself from anything that had to do with pregnancy. It would bring me to tears that I only let Kevin see. He held me while I cried so many times about it this past winter and truly was my rock. It has never been my journey it has been "our" journey together.  You see having our first was simple - no wishing or waiting just like that we were expecting our first and the pregnancy was perfect so I assumed there would be more down the road and it would be as simple as the first. When that was not what God had in store for us, it began to be a hard pill to swallow. I tried so hard to not let the emotions get the best of me but it really had me down and honestly bitter and sad for our little family. Carter asks for a brother and sister almost daily. After awhile it gets hard to hear and so does the famous line of "when are you having another?"

We not only went to Danville but we also went to Pittsburgh to learn more about our options. I had oodles of blood tests done, ultrasounds, scans, and even a procedure to check to see if my tubes were blocked. It turned out the one side was. We also had to have some serious conversations with the fertility doctors about whats next for us and how we wanted to go forward.

It is seeming like we may have to get help if we want the second. As you know that costs money and lots of it. Before we take that step our doctor wanted us to consider a common fertility drug Clomid. We had debated this powerhouse fertility drug for months and finally after one too many let downs we made the decision to give it a try. We were warned that Clomid is a beast and a powerful one at that. It's side effects are brutal and your chances of multiples are much higher. We sat on the decision and prayed about it and went for it. I started it this week and all I can say is that it is been a very very long week. It's taken its toll on my body big time - I was hot, moody, nauseous, exhausted beyond belief and my head was killing me. All some of the brutal side effects from this. Fingers crossed something happens in the coming months. We are allowed to do 3 rounds of this then we have to go the other route if we want to pursue it. Our fate is in Gods hands but the waiting is what tests you.

Clomid - The tiny pill that has the potential to change our lives in a big way

Moral of the story is that I have not given up on my wellness along this way. When life knocks you down its easy to say forget this - skip the exercise, fall victim to emotional eating, and throw in the towel on all the things I am trying to balance but I didn't. I still have worked out almost every single day, I am still eating clean and I am still juggling a full time teaching job, a masters class, motherhood and marriage, as well as doing Beachbody full time on the side. I made it a priority and refuse to let my health and wellness go because life got hard on me. 

Keep us in your prayers. Carter would love a sibling(s) in the near future and mom and dad would too!

xoxoxo
-Sarah