One Step Closer To Our Answer

Learning To Dance Thru The Storm 

Since I have such a large following now on social media and I put it all out there ALL the time, I have a lot of people who really have shown care and concern for our family as I have battled some health issues this past year. I have been very public about my infertility struggles and thyroid issues because I know that someone out there needs my story and is going thru the same storm. By deciding to be public about it, I have found that I really am not alone. So many women have reached out to me because they went thru it or know someone who went thru it too. They make the walk seem just a little less dark. I can't say thank you enough for all of the prayers, messages and concern.

I feel like I owe you all an update because I gave a little clue last week on social media that we were up to something and then I gave another clue that it didn't go so well. I got tons of messages checking on us and it totally melted our hearts knowing we had so much support. 

So here it is - Since this past summer Kevin and I have been dealing with and coping with the fact that we may only ever have one child. After three failed attempts with clomid this past spring it kind of rocked us to our core. It was hard on my health when I did those three rounds and emotionally it was killer to go thru it and not have it work. While we realize there are other more drastic forms of fertility treatments and options we can try, it really got us down and felt very defeating. I found myself in a sad place in June and quite honesty have not wanted to go back there since we got thru it. We decided to focus on the blessing we had in front of us and stop wishing for more when we have one already who was all that we ever have wanted. We finally got to a place where we were not as sad and were starting to "be okay" with the cards that we were dealt. We looked at the bright side that he was healthy and at least we were blessed with one. Some don't even get that lucky. We looked at the other side of the card and talked about the lifestyle we could give him since we only had to afford one. It meant lots of vacations in the future, only having to buy 1 car some day for our teenager and a only one college education we would have to help fund. It meant a lifestyle for our son very different than the one we both grew up with. Both Kevin and I grew up in normal middle class families. We didn't have cleaning ladies, we didn't go on exotic vacations and we had siblings who we had to share with and sometimes our parents told us "no you have to wait until pay day to get that." We grew up very loved but we didn't have the "lifestyle" our son has. While we are very proud of what we are able to give him, we are missing something that money really can't buy. It's a brother or sister and he wants one terribly. He is at the age where all of his little friends are having baby brothers or sisters and asks us often when he will get his. And that is when it hurts. When my sweet little boy says his prayers at night and prays for a sibling my heart breaks a little. It is so hard not being able to give him that. Because of this, we decided that we could not look back on our life someday when we are older and regret that we didn't try again with fertility treatments. 

After lots of praying and debating back and forth, back and forth we decided we needed to try IUI at least once. I don't think we will take it any steps further than a few rounds of IUI. There are other options for us such as in vetro, foster parenting and adoption but I think we will call it quits if the IUI does not work. We can't go thru this over and over but also can't move forward until we have at least tried this. 

Because of Beachbody coaching I am in a a place financially where I can afford this. Sometimes I think this is one of the reasons why coaching was put in my life so I could say yes to things like this. It took me almost 8 months to "see this." Even though I know I can swing it financially, I knew emotionally it was going to be hard. I hadn't been ready to go thru it for the fear of the letdown. I almost didn't even want to try because I have been afraid of the sadness. Finally we got enough courage to say yes and move forward. I made the call to Magee to set up the treatment, have the medications ordered and we got ready for "the ride" we were about to go on. Blood work, meds that made me crazy, ultrasounds, shots, trips to Pittsburgh and the waiting game. We were ready. We went to Pittsburgh last Friday for the first steps. Everything looked good and I got the go ahead to start the medicine. The actual insemination procedure would have occurred yesterday or today depending on how the meds worked. But we had to skip it this month. 

You see right after my appointment at Magee I had an endocrinologist appointment. I wanted to be certain I had my thyroid under control and had the green light for this from my doctor. It's been a battle the last year getting it regulated and overcoming the fatigue that comes along with thyroid issues. I may look like I have all this energy but MAN I am exhausted 90% of the time. It's killer but I hide it well. We learned Friday that I do have Hashimoto's disease. I sort of saw it coming but Fridays ultrasound and blood work conformed it. That wasn't the big issue though. My thyroid is regulated and okay to handle pregnancy now. It wasn't before. My problem now seems to be my cortisol levels. My labs showed they were very low and concerned my doctor. She wants to do more testing to determine if I have adrenal fatigue going on. I have a six hour test at the hospital coming up in a few weeks where they will try to figure out if I have any insulin resistance, adrenal issues or a mass on my pituitary gland. All of these issues can be solved but we have to figure out the root cause first. 

 As much as it hurt to hear that we would need to hold off on the fertility treatments, I am thankful that God put me there that day at that appointment so I didn't move forward quite yet. Knowing that something is not quite right just yet means that the IUI most likely would have failed. He didn't want me to go down that road yet. I believe he has bigger plans for us. He was there that day telling me to just be patient my dear, better things are coming. It's still going to rain a little more for you, but I don't give you more than you can take. Stay strong. Your sunshine is coming soon enough. 

Keep the prayers coming as we work on walking towards our sunshine. Thanks for all the love and support. It means the world to us! 

XOXOXO

Sarah, Kevin & Carter 

Why I Decided To Be "That Mom" This Year....

Making Spirits Bright 

If you have been following me on social media this holiday season, it may seem that my husband and I have went ABOVE and beyond this year to make the month magical for our son. His is almost four years old and he is oh so into Christmas this year. The innocence and sweetness is priceless and something we are certain we will someday soon miss. So we decided to go all out this year (you could call me a Pinterest mom if you know what that means.)  Not that we hadn't in years past, but this year I feel like we really have made the effort even more so than years past. This year we have been working to come to terms with our infertility struggle that we have been dealing with for almost three years now. We are working on accepting the fact that sometimes God only gives you one child. The one he gave us is perfect, healthy and the biggest sweetheart you will ever meet so we need to embrace that our family may only ever consist of three rather than the more we once thought we would have.

Tree Hunting Together 

Blessed to be "parenting" with this guy! Truly my best friend 

We are in a different place than we were when we first started dealing with our news of the infertility. We went thru a lot of sadness and somedays anger that it was not happening. We prayed a lot and supported one another on the hard days. Over the summer we started to get closer toward the acceptance phase of the grieving that we were going thru. We started to really stop and smell the roses and try our best to take in every minute of his childhood. We stopped talking about when we have "the next one" and only focused on "this one." I have noticed us really trying to make every moment special for him but also for us knowing that we most likely will not be helping to create childhood memories for a little one ever again. It's sad but also a blessing to be able to see life thru these lenses. Some days it hurts but it also really helps to you live in the moment. A few weeks ago we both took the day off to be home so we could be there for his Christmas program at school and as I stood there watching him tears filled my eyes. My sweet baby is growing up into such a precious young little boy. I can't explain the pride I felt that morning watching him on stage dressed as a camel singing his little heart out. I literally thanked God in that moment that he is our son.

Taking him home early from school after his holiday program. We were so proud of him!

Post holiday concert at his school. Taking off the Camel costume! 

I have to admit that seeing the holidays thru the eyes of a child makes it all so much more magical for yourself as well. My husband and I have really been in the spirit. While it has made for a pretty packed calendar for us this past month, it also has made for a lot of fun.

Elfie's arrival this year - he was air lifted in on Christmas balloons. 

Guess this is what happens when you put Dad on elf duty. 

Our elf on the shelf is probably more extravagant than most but the joy that it brings us watching him find him and laugh about what "Elfie" did today is worth all the work it requires before bed each night. Each morning we often hear squeals coming from down the hall "Mommy, Daddy!! Come quick you've gotta see this." Or "oh my goodness your never going to guess what my elf did" or some mornings just adorable laughter. It's priceless and makes for such a fun start to the day. I have had some question if he is bringing "presents" everyday? To answer that, no some days he's just up to funny mischief other days he does come with things to do to help get Carter into the holiday spirit. A few of the things he has brought was Christmas pajamas, lots of Christmas books, a ginger bread house and the list goes on. But he does not "get something" everyday. We are trying our best to not raise him to be greedy or spoiled and I am happy to report on the days when no "gifts" were involved he hasn't even questioned why. My favorite elf activity we pulled off was the breakfast we planned with the neighbor kids and their elf Jingle Bell. They were so into it and amazed that the elves had planned this for them. I am sure we helped to create a memory that will stick with all of them for life.

Genius mom move... brought the elf along for the long car ride. 

We also had a few other surprises up our sleeves this month. From a trip to West Virginia to ride the Polar Express, to our trip to see the lights and Santa and even tickets to Rudolph the Musical this week. We really have experienced so many joys of the holidays.

About to board the Polar Express train ride 

The only person I would wear Elf pajamas out in public for!

We also have made an effort to help him understand the REAL meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate. Last week I took him to Target to buy gift cards for kids in need so we could pay it forward. I explained to him that not everybody has a life as good as he does. While he really doesn't "get it" yet I am working to be sure that down the road he does realize how good he has it and that Jesus has blessed him very abundantly. I am certain we are on the right track because each night after we say our family prayers he always ends with "thank you for our blessings."

Looking forward to wrapping up the holidays with our family pajama party this weekend, the children's mass on Christmas Eve, the excitement of Christmas morning and time spent with family during the next few weeks.

Elfie brought a gingerbread house - dad assembled it, mom decorated it and Carter at all the candy! 

Life is good and we truly have been blessed. Wishing you all a very happy holiday. Remember if you have children of your own, it is your job to make their childhood magical. The memories you are creating now, will stay with them for life. Make them something worth cherishing.

xoxoxo
Sarah