When Lightning Strikes Twice - Part 2
I suppose you could call this blog post entry part two. Sunday I shared with you the events leading up to our miscarriage, but I left you hanging in the dark after that. So here goes an update. The post is graphic and it could leave some of you feeling uncomfortable. There are lots of triggers below for those who may have dealt with this before. This is your warning before you go any deeper. This post is a little "deep" and may bring up past issues.
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Sunday night I was bleeding a ton again. I passed clot after clot. I called the doctors yet again and they said I could come in, but they couldn't make any promises that they would do the surgery in the middle of the night because it was still the weekend. I didn't want to deal with all that kind of waiting around so I stuck it out at home. I ate an entire cauliflower pizza with my hubby, watched the ACM awards and spent the evening crying and stressing about what was to come tomorrow. I tried to work to stay busy, but I couldn't take my mind off of it all. They told me no food or drink after midnight but I still had no clue what time everything was going to take place the next day.
That morning I woke up to dull aching pains and more blood. I called every hospital number under the sun that I could find that morning trying to get in touch with the people who would schedule the surgery. By 8:00 am I was already hungry, impatient and in tears because I had no answers. Finally, they told me I was for sure on the schedule for the day, but they had no idea what time yet. I was on standby. Totally not a place that you want to be when you're just wanting to get something like this over with.
Around 12:30pm I got the call to come in. At this point, I was starting to have what felt like labor pains. Cramping and aching. I was starting to really worry I was going to pass the baby on my own. As we drove to the hospital I kept telling my hubby I feel like I am in labor. Once we arrived at the hospital they got me in right away and said they were going to rush me back because they had a spot open up. I was glad about that because all I wanted was for this nightmare to be over.
In between surgery prep and starting my IV the blood clots started passing faster and faster and all of the sudden I was gushing blood everywhere. The labor pains also started to kick into high gear. I kept having the same feeling that I did when I had Grace and Carter. I felt like I just needed to push. If you have ever had a baby, you know exactly the feeling I am talking about. Our bodies are smart and when they are ready to get something out of you, there is little that can be done to stop it. After a few more blood gush episodes I decided I needed to go into the bathroom.
I wasn't quite ready for what was to come behind that closed door. Sure enough, my body was ready and I passed our baby moments before they took me back for surgery. It was the one thing I so desperately didn't want to have to deal with because I didn't think I could handle seeing it. It looked just like they do in all of the diagrams that you see in the doctor's office. Little eyes, tiny fingers, and feet. It scared me to death to pick it up, but I wrapped it in a paper towel and took it back into the room. This is the part where I started to really lose my shit.
I set it down near my husband and started to cry and emotionally come undone. He held me tight and tried to calm me down. Neither of us was up for this part. The doctor came and decided to start me on some of the drugs to knock me out and get me out of my misery. In the meantime, the nurses took the baby away and started to finish prepping me to take back for surgery.
I was a mess. I remember my husband kissing me and hugging me and me asking him to pray for me. Then they wheeled me away.
They still wanted to do the surgery even though I passed the baby because there was still lots of tissue and placenta that would need to be removed.
I am allergic to many of the different narcotics out there and we shared this with the team beforehand. They planned to use something different and would try to combat the reactions with different allergy medicines. What should have been a quick in and out surgery and recovery turned into a very long day. What they gave me caused a reaction that was slowing down my breathing and causing swelling and itching everywhere. They gave me what seemed like every drug under the sun to make the allergic reaction stop. I went back at 2:00 pm and never truly was up and with it until around 10:00 pm. I was beyond looped and exhausted and my husband was beyond worried about me.
The following days have been filled with waves of grief and comfort. Some moments I am fine and some moments I just can't stop crying. We have been surrounded by people who care. Our doorbell just kept ringing the last few days as flowers and fruit and foods have shown up. Loved ones have stepped in the watch the kids so I didn't have to and my inbox keeps overflowing with messages of support. It means a lot and it's helped a lot with the healing.
What most people don't know it how utterly emotional this is. They don't understand the hormones or the recovery part. They don't know what to say or how to act around you. What I can tell you from experience is that being there matters more than you realize. Send the flowers, make the meal, drop a card in the mail. Send them a text. Do whatever you can to let them know you care. Realize it may take them time to call you or get back to you, but your efforts are appreciated and they matter. What they really need right now is to know that they are not alone. Everyone will grieve a loss like this in a different way. What is important is that you make them understand there is no right or wrong way to do this and that you are here when they are ready.
Far too many women go thru exactly what we did this past week, but they do it in silence. Some never even got to share the joy that they were expecting. This isn't something you want to navigate thru alone. Share your story if you're going thru it or if you have been thru it. Realize that you won't ever get over it, but you will get thru it and that it doesn't get better but you do get stronger and that you are never alone.
For those dealing with a miscarriage or infant loss don't hesitate to seek support from a professional. They can help you seek light in your darkness.
Thanks to everyone who sent us things, visited, prayed, called, messaged, helped out. We love you lots and cannot thank you enough.
XOXO
Kevin & Sarah
