I am sorry but there is no heartbeat anymore...

When lightning strikes twice... 

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. - PSALM 61:2

The statistics are that one in four pregnancies will end in a miscarriage at some point. We were part of those stats two years ago before God gave us our daughter Grace. Yesterday we learned that lightning can strike twice and that sadly baby number 3 would be joining our other one in heaven instead of here on earth. 

Over the past week, I had been experiencing light bleeding. Nothing to be alarmed about or so I thought. It was the dark kind. I just assumed it was some cysts breaking or something. Honestly, I was not that concerned because I decided to take the faith over fear approach to this pregnancy. Then Friday we went to the zoo and I did a lot of walking and a lot of stroller pushing. That night the bleeding changed. It went from dark to bright red and I began to pass a few clots. I started to get nervous but again wasn't ready to sound the alarms just yet.

Then Saturday came and I started to be in pain and the bleeding and clotting started to get worse. We traveled home to visit family that day so I wanted to ride it out and planned to go to the hospital that night. 

On the way home I called my midwife and she was actually on call. I told her I was coming. Luckily we left my son back home with family so we only had Grace our youngest with us. I really didn't want to take her to the emergency room. I wanted her to get a good nights sleep at home and stay away from the hospital germs so I begged my husband to stay back. 

I found myself starting to put up walls around myself. Brick ones. The ones you put up when you know you're about to really get hurt. My heart knew what was coming later that night. As much as I wanted to have my husband there, I also wanted to keep him from the sadness. I argued a bit about him letting me go alone. He didn't want me too, in fact, he begged me to just allow him to come and bring the baby along. I needed to do this one alone for some reason. After much debating, I won. He packed my bag for me and hugged me hard before I left. While keeping him back probably wasn't fair to him and his own grief, I really needed to be sure the baby was home safe and sleeping and quite honestly I didn't want her there while I had to deal with all of this. 

You see, I traveled this road once already. Two years ago almost to the T. We lost the last one April 15, 2016 and on April 14th, 2018 I was alone when I was given the same news then. It's almost eerie that it happened so close to the last. While I didn't want to do this again, I knew I already knew how to. 

The check-in process was quick and they got me into a room pretty fast. You could tell everyone was nervous for me and the news they might have to deliver shortly if things didn't look good. My nurse first asked if she could check for fetal heart tones or if I would prefer doing a bedside ultrasound first. I got choked up and declined the heart tones. I needed the news to be cut and dry. I needed to either know that it was gone or it was okay and the heart tones would not necessarily tell me that. 

Soon the doctor came in and said they would just take me for an ultrasound soon. He offered to start the IV for fluids and do some bloodwork but I declined all of it. I just wanted an ultrasound before I did anything. Everyone was very understanding and respected my wishes. 

It took about 40 minutes of waiting in that quiet little room before the ultrasound nurse came to get me. Those 40 minutes passed by so slowly. I spent the time praying for a miracle, but also more than anything praying for strength. Your mom instincts kick in and you just know. I knew my baby wasn't with me anymore. Now I was just waiting on confirmation of that. 

She took me into the room asked a few questions about my due date and when the last ultrasound was and then started on the ultrasound. She kept the screen turned away from me but her face told me what I already knew. She asked again how many weeks I was "supposed to be" then paused, swallowed hard and turned the screen towards me. She calmly said I am so sorry honey, but your baby has passed away. There is no heartbeat anymore. No matter how ready you are to hear those words it still feels like a sucker punch to the gut. I had a really hard time looking at it on the monitor. It's back was facing me and it was just lying there lifeless. I took a moment to take it all in then asked her to turn it away. I could feel myself emotionally coming apart. 

I went into the bathroom to splash water on my face and try to get it together. Then she walked me back down to the little ER room I was in before. She quietly said I am so sorry a few more times then left me to myself. 

The doctor then came in and sat a chair down beside the bed. He started to lay out my options as far as ending the pregnancy. I stopped him and told him I already knew what I wanted. I had done this before and I didn't need to hear it all over again. 

I wanted a D&C and quite honestly I wanted it sooner rather than later. The trouble is I went in on a Saturday and they won't do those types of surgeries on the weekend unless it was an extreme emergency and in my case, it wasn't. 

He called down my midwife. She greeted me with a huge hug and just a huge sense of peace. We talked, or I guess I could say she talked and I nodded while choking back lots of crocodile tears. She said they would call first thing Monday and try to get me scheduled for surgery that day to remove the remains. 

Some of you might question why I am choosing the D&C. While some women prefer to pass the baby at home on their own, I have no interest in that. From a mental health standpoint, I need this to be over quickly. I can't do long and drawn out. When you do it the natural way it can take a very long time for all the tissue to come out and for your levels to return to normal. It can also result in the need for a D&C after as well so this is the route I picked. Emotionally it's all I can handle right now. 

When the nurse came in with my discharge papers she handed me a packet with all kinds of grief stuff in it and a charm in honor of the baby I lost. At least that's what I think is in it. She told me it was something special. Honestly, I haven't touched any of it yet. That can be for another day when I am ready.

I needed out of there fast. I wiped away the tears, stuffed the paperwork in my bag and headed to my car. It was shortly after midnight at this point and I had about a 30-minute drive ahead of me. I opened the sunroof and let the fresh air pour in while I played the radio as loud as I could stand it. I cried the entire way home. It was the kind of crying that only comes out when you are truly alone and heartbroken. 

My husband was at the door to hold me when I walked in. We just cried together. We laid in bed and talked for awhile until I fell asleep in his arms. 

Today we did everything under the sun to stay busy. We grocery shopped, we cleaned, we even went to lunch and had a few drinks to take the edge off of life today. We did that last time this happened too. 

Hopefully tomorrow we head to the hospital for the surgery. The process will take most of the day, by the time I go thru pre-op, the surgery and the proceedure then I will come home to sleep off the annestesia and recover. 

Then comes the hard part. The emotional rollercoaster that comes after dealing with a loss like this. The hormones. The "baby weight" with no baby anymore.  Telling our son that his new brother or sister won't be joining us; instead that it went to heaven already. All of it. It's hard and last time taught me there wasn't a right or wrong way to handle it. Instead to focus on one day at a time. Some days I wanted nothing to do with anyone and some days I couldn't stand to be alone. I leaned into my husband last time and it brought us even closer together. We are planning to do the same again this time. 

If you can do anything please pray for strength for us in the coming weeks. If you are a loved one or a close friend please know that my distance some days won't be personal. It's just how I get thru and also please know sometimes I will need you to "make me" come to dinner or come out or just do something fun. 

Please realize that what I am going thru sadly, is very common. One in four of your friends will deal with a miscarriage at some point in the pregnancy. Let it be eye-opening, but don't let it make you fearful of your own pregnancy. Enjoy every single day that you are pregnant and believe that everything will work out just fine. Faith over fear always my friends. God's plans are always bigger and better than our own even if it doesn't always feel like it at the moment. 

Thank you all for the love and support both last time this happened and this time around. 

xoxo 

Kevin & Sarah