Learning To Dance Thru The Storm
I feel like I owe you all an update because I gave a little clue last week on social media that we were up to something and then I gave another clue that it didn't go so well. I got tons of messages checking on us and it totally melted our hearts knowing we had so much support.
So here it is - Since this past summer Kevin and I have been dealing with and coping with the fact that we may only ever have one child. After three failed attempts with clomid this past spring it kind of rocked us to our core. It was hard on my health when I did those three rounds and emotionally it was killer to go thru it and not have it work. While we realize there are other more drastic forms of fertility treatments and options we can try, it really got us down and felt very defeating. I found myself in a sad place in June and quite honesty have not wanted to go back there since we got thru it. We decided to focus on the blessing we had in front of us and stop wishing for more when we have one already who was all that we ever have wanted. We finally got to a place where we were not as sad and were starting to "be okay" with the cards that we were dealt. We looked at the bright side that he was healthy and at least we were blessed with one. Some don't even get that lucky. We looked at the other side of the card and talked about the lifestyle we could give him since we only had to afford one. It meant lots of vacations in the future, only having to buy 1 car some day for our teenager and a only one college education we would have to help fund. It meant a lifestyle for our son very different than the one we both grew up with. Both Kevin and I grew up in normal middle class families. We didn't have cleaning ladies, we didn't go on exotic vacations and we had siblings who we had to share with and sometimes our parents told us "no you have to wait until pay day to get that." We grew up very loved but we didn't have the "lifestyle" our son has. While we are very proud of what we are able to give him, we are missing something that money really can't buy. It's a brother or sister and he wants one terribly. He is at the age where all of his little friends are having baby brothers or sisters and asks us often when he will get his. And that is when it hurts. When my sweet little boy says his prayers at night and prays for a sibling my heart breaks a little. It is so hard not being able to give him that. Because of this, we decided that we could not look back on our life someday when we are older and regret that we didn't try again with fertility treatments.
After lots of praying and debating back and forth, back and forth we decided we needed to try IUI at least once. I don't think we will take it any steps further than a few rounds of IUI. There are other options for us such as in vetro, foster parenting and adoption but I think we will call it quits if the IUI does not work. We can't go thru this over and over but also can't move forward until we have at least tried this.
Because of Beachbody coaching I am in a a place financially where I can afford this. Sometimes I think this is one of the reasons why coaching was put in my life so I could say yes to things like this. It took me almost 8 months to "see this." Even though I know I can swing it financially, I knew emotionally it was going to be hard. I hadn't been ready to go thru it for the fear of the letdown. I almost didn't even want to try because I have been afraid of the sadness. Finally we got enough courage to say yes and move forward. I made the call to Magee to set up the treatment, have the medications ordered and we got ready for "the ride" we were about to go on. Blood work, meds that made me crazy, ultrasounds, shots, trips to Pittsburgh and the waiting game. We were ready. We went to Pittsburgh last Friday for the first steps. Everything looked good and I got the go ahead to start the medicine. The actual insemination procedure would have occurred yesterday or today depending on how the meds worked. But we had to skip it this month.
You see right after my appointment at Magee I had an endocrinologist appointment. I wanted to be certain I had my thyroid under control and had the green light for this from my doctor. It's been a battle the last year getting it regulated and overcoming the fatigue that comes along with thyroid issues. I may look like I have all this energy but MAN I am exhausted 90% of the time. It's killer but I hide it well. We learned Friday that I do have Hashimoto's disease. I sort of saw it coming but Fridays ultrasound and blood work conformed it. That wasn't the big issue though. My thyroid is regulated and okay to handle pregnancy now. It wasn't before. My problem now seems to be my cortisol levels. My labs showed they were very low and concerned my doctor. She wants to do more testing to determine if I have adrenal fatigue going on. I have a six hour test at the hospital coming up in a few weeks where they will try to figure out if I have any insulin resistance, adrenal issues or a mass on my pituitary gland. All of these issues can be solved but we have to figure out the root cause first.
As much as it hurt to hear that we would need to hold off on the fertility treatments, I am thankful that God put me there that day at that appointment so I didn't move forward quite yet. Knowing that something is not quite right just yet means that the IUI most likely would have failed. He didn't want me to go down that road yet. I believe he has bigger plans for us. He was there that day telling me to just be patient my dear, better things are coming. It's still going to rain a little more for you, but I don't give you more than you can take. Stay strong. Your sunshine is coming soon enough.
Keep the prayers coming as we work on walking towards our sunshine. Thanks for all the love and support. It means the world to us!
XOXOXO
Sarah, Kevin & Carter
